Self Identity

Wendy doesnt' like my vagina bag. Or my dreamcatcher shirt. She pointed out "You're not Native" and suggested I change my shirt before we went out today. I thought about it as I washed my face and replied with "It means something to me. I choose to honour that branch of my family tree, and you forget, I've been to ceremonies and recognized by the medewin teachers as Anishnabe. I have a name and a clan and that means a lot ot me." She nodded and let it drop, thankfully. I just feel sometimes I'm trying too hard; the shirt, my medicine wheel button, feather earrings, etc. To whom am I advertising "Hey! I'm a First Nations woman!"? It might just come down to acceptance: I look so much outside myself for acceptance. Acceptance into a group/ideal/family/community is really really important for me. I want to be accepted by other Anishnabe but if I come right out and say "As far as I know at this moment I'm not *actually* Ojibway Anishnabe-ikwe" I fear I wont be, and they'll be right NOT to accept me. I can be an ally but I can never be a full member of the group. But if I dont' come to terms with things inside me first, all the acceptance from the outisde doesn't mean jack if I dont' feel it inside.

This has been said 100 times but I still feel the need to say it: I'm not 'playing Indian'. I'm trying to acknowledge and honour a part of me that very strongly identifies as First Nations, as well as my family history and ancestors. My Anishnabe heritag is murky, and where it fits into my life equally so. It's not a seamless integration but one that does need to happen. Asserting that part of myself, whether by wearing the t-shirt and earrings or by introducing myself with my spirit name and clan, is a step on the right Path for me. Going to Ceremonies in February in Wisconsin was a life-changing experience. I went in wondering how badly I was going to mess up and offend people and left with an entirely new family (my clan) and much deeper understanding and reverence for that which I'd already learned, plus a head-full of new things. As a white student I didn't think I had any right to be there but I was accepted and acknowledged, I think in part, because I acknowledge and accept that part of myself. It's a genuine interest in the language and culture, and coming at it sideways puts me at a disadvantage, but I think maybe my professor could see it, and as a medewin leader it was obvious. I have no 'right' to that knowledge, to that culture and religion, but I'm hoping if I study hard enough and try to always speak well and live a good life in that way then anyone who *thinks* I'm just 'playing Indian' will start to believe otherwise.