Counselling

August 19th 2008

V thinks I'm suffering partially from PST and PPD at the same time; what a nice combination (Post Tramautic Stress and Post Partum Depression).
You're allowed to cry at funerals. You're allowed to cry during sad parts in movies. You're allowed to cry at weddings. That's it. I'm too aware and allow myself to be restricted by what I'm supposedly allowed and not allowed to do and feel. I have an inkling of where that comes from (thanks mom and dad!) but that's yet another post for another day, or an edit of the Family one from not too long ago.
The more I think about it, the more I think that what would be helpful to me would be a sort of funeral, a ritual of some kind (oh geeze, getting choked up again) to help me let go and say goodbye. "The Pagan Book of Living and Dying" has some great stuff in it that I think I need. I don't think I should, or can, wait until Samhain.
Despite my vehemence in insisting that what lived in me for three months was not a person, it was a soul, who, for whatever reason, picked me. You can't be a person without a soul, and in my beliefs, the soul is the very first part that takes up residence and then the body builds around that. The soul is the spark that gets the egg and sperm together and the mystery that gets the cells growing and dividing and specializing. We know it happens, but honestly, science hasn't figured out why. That's my why. And that's why I need to say goodbye and move on.
I can choose to let go or I can choose to stay broken and sad. I can choose to quit feeling guilty for evicting that soul or not. I have one comfort that came to me this morning while I was eating toast; you can't kill a soul- in my beliefs they're eternal, so I can quit thinking that I'm a murderer and a bad person, which is a relief.
Ok, that's enough for now, I think.