Dear God, we give thanks for places of simplicity and peace. Let us find such a place within ourselves. We give thanks for places of refuge and beauty. Let us find such a place within ourselves. We give thanks for places of nature's truth and freedom, of joy, inspiration and renewal, places where all creatures may find acceptance and belonging. Let us search for these places: in the world, in ourselves and others. Let us restore them. Let us strengthen and protect them and let us create them.
May we mend this outer world according to the truth of our inner life and may our souls be shaped and nourished by nature's eternal wisdom. Amen.
~Michael Leunig, Australian cartoonist and Living Treasure, from the book Peace Prayers
Sometimes I just open books and say "Show me something!" and They do.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
A new thought
“Over the last few weeks I have begun to confront that my life, my actual existence, is a direct result of two people wanting to have another human being to share their love with, and this has been a humbling realization.” From A Celebration of Curves, found at www.acelebrationofcurves.com
It was an odd thought, a new thought for me. Both my sister and I were planned babies; our parents waited until quite a while after they were married before my sister was born, and then another 3 years for me. My emotional relationship with my parents has been...distant. I'm not sure if I can say they've done the best they can, or maybe they have but it's still not been enough. So to think about the idea that we were were planned, we were wanted, is completely new. Have I ever felt unwanted or unloved? I don't think so, but that sense of closeness has gotten very very infrequent as we got older, their belief we should do things on our own taking over from protective and loving care. It's created a real rift, at least for me, one that is deep, filled with a knowing that I can't count on them. I would like to be able to say that there isnt' anything they wouldnt' do for me, that there isn't a mountain they wouldn't move or something they wouldn't give if I needed it, but I'm not sure if I'd be lying or not. That troubles me.
It troubles me and makes me wonder about my own ability to be a parent, and how Gabe was not planned, that he was a surprise, that our other potential child was a surprise. If and when I get pregnant again, I want it to be planned, not a surprise. I'm tired of the stick turning blue or whatever and me thinking "Oh fuck." I want the stick to turn and for me to be happy, for Ryan and Gabe to be happy too. For it to be the right time, not the worst time. To not be afraid of losing my mind, of hurting myself or my new child, to be strong enough. I'm afraid that when Gabe gets older, I might distance myself from him more than I already have, that I'll push him out the door in order to make him independant and strong, but in reality, all it will do is make him doubt.
It was an odd thought, a new thought for me. Both my sister and I were planned babies; our parents waited until quite a while after they were married before my sister was born, and then another 3 years for me. My emotional relationship with my parents has been...distant. I'm not sure if I can say they've done the best they can, or maybe they have but it's still not been enough. So to think about the idea that we were were planned, we were wanted, is completely new. Have I ever felt unwanted or unloved? I don't think so, but that sense of closeness has gotten very very infrequent as we got older, their belief we should do things on our own taking over from protective and loving care. It's created a real rift, at least for me, one that is deep, filled with a knowing that I can't count on them. I would like to be able to say that there isnt' anything they wouldnt' do for me, that there isn't a mountain they wouldn't move or something they wouldn't give if I needed it, but I'm not sure if I'd be lying or not. That troubles me.
It troubles me and makes me wonder about my own ability to be a parent, and how Gabe was not planned, that he was a surprise, that our other potential child was a surprise. If and when I get pregnant again, I want it to be planned, not a surprise. I'm tired of the stick turning blue or whatever and me thinking "Oh fuck." I want the stick to turn and for me to be happy, for Ryan and Gabe to be happy too. For it to be the right time, not the worst time. To not be afraid of losing my mind, of hurting myself or my new child, to be strong enough. I'm afraid that when Gabe gets older, I might distance myself from him more than I already have, that I'll push him out the door in order to make him independant and strong, but in reality, all it will do is make him doubt.
Friday, October 16, 2009
All Soul's Night
Hallowe'en is coming up and for the first time in a few years I'm not going to be with my group. Thankfully I have noone to mourn, not this year, and my wounds are healed enough that I don't feel the need to grieve for myself. That being said, I'm posting up the lyrics below because though I may have noone who has freshly passed over, there are those who are gone who deserve to be remembered; Grandpa, Doug, Marie, and one other without a name.
All Soul's Night by Loreena McKennitt
Bonfires dot the rolling hillsides
Figures dance around and around
To drums that pulse out echoes of darkness
Moving to the pagan sound.
Somewhere in a hidden memory
Images float before my eyes
Of fragrant nights of straw and of bonfires
Dancing 'til the next sunrise.
CHORUS:
I can see the lights in the distance
Trembling in the dark cloak of night
Candles and lanterns are dancing, dancing
A waltz on All...All Souls Night.
Figures of cornstalks bend in the shadows
Held up tall as the flames leap high
The Green Knight holds the holly bush
To mark where the Old Year passes by.
CHORUS
Bonfires dot the rolling hillsides
Figures dance around and around
To drums that pulse out echoes of darkness
Moving to the pagan sound.
Standing on the bridge that crosses
The river that runs out to the sea
The wind is full of a thousand voices
They pass by the bridge and me.
CHORUS TWICE
All Soul's Night by Loreena McKennitt
Bonfires dot the rolling hillsides
Figures dance around and around
To drums that pulse out echoes of darkness
Moving to the pagan sound.
Somewhere in a hidden memory
Images float before my eyes
Of fragrant nights of straw and of bonfires
Dancing 'til the next sunrise.
CHORUS:
I can see the lights in the distance
Trembling in the dark cloak of night
Candles and lanterns are dancing, dancing
A waltz on All...All Souls Night.
Figures of cornstalks bend in the shadows
Held up tall as the flames leap high
The Green Knight holds the holly bush
To mark where the Old Year passes by.
CHORUS
Bonfires dot the rolling hillsides
Figures dance around and around
To drums that pulse out echoes of darkness
Moving to the pagan sound.
Standing on the bridge that crosses
The river that runs out to the sea
The wind is full of a thousand voices
They pass by the bridge and me.
CHORUS TWICE
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
The Starfish Story
A little girl is on a beach during low tide. Many thousands of starfish are stranded; the tide rolled out quick, the sun is hot, the seagulls are hungry.
The little girl is picking up starfish and tossing them back in the water one by one. A little boy comes up, "It doesn't make a diffrence," he says "You can't save them all."
She picks up another, tosses it back into the ocean and says "Made a difference to that one."
As told to me by my friend Nathan.
I can't save all the starfish, and I can't stop the tide from tossing them all over, but I can help some of them, and I will.
The little girl is picking up starfish and tossing them back in the water one by one. A little boy comes up, "It doesn't make a diffrence," he says "You can't save them all."
She picks up another, tosses it back into the ocean and says "Made a difference to that one."
As told to me by my friend Nathan.
I can't save all the starfish, and I can't stop the tide from tossing them all over, but I can help some of them, and I will.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Ebisu continued
So I pointed Nathan in this direction tonight and we got chatting about archetypes which led to some kind of a visionary episode for him to share with me. Sometimes it happens, only usually it's the other way around, me giving info to someone else. It was nice to have them speak to me through someone else. The convo is below.
Nathan: there are things here I do not follow
I pride myself on being able to follow most theology talk
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
In my blog, things you don't follow?
Nathan says:
si
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
Ok, what don't you get?
Nathan says:
how did you find him? How is he relevant to you?
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
Oh, I found him through a lj post that I follow, Men in Full. He was featured there because he's a full sized guy and for me, a light went off in my head.
Nathan says:
please explane this archtype buisness
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
He's relevant because he's the other half of the Warrior. In a small way I didn't even realize was missing, it's now complete.
The Warrior is an Archetype, the the Virgin/Maiden, Mother and Crone.
An archetype is a figure that exists in many myths/cultures/religions
Nathan says:
I know the deffinition, just how it applies here....like I'm familiar with the wiccan trifecta, but how does warrior fit?
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
The Warrior exists outside of the trifecta and it's not Wiccan. It applies here because while the Warrior archetype is an archetype, it's also very personal to me.
Nathan says:
of course, with your clan
tribe...sorry, stumbling over terminology
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
Yes, and also because I've always held Artemis in high regard. No, clan was right. I don't have a tribe.
Nathan says:
the mightiest of warriors, a spear in one hand, a book in the other
half full of your words, from what you've seen
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
I think you might be thinking of Athena, though she is very kick ass too.
Nathan says:
don't know words just filtered thru me
Had to write them somewhere
figured here is appropriate
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
*nod* Artemis could hunt with a spear or bow. She was another daughter of Zeus and sister to Apollo. Here is definitely appropriate.
Nathan says:
it came with a strong image of you
could be something beyond, could be madness, could be both
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
I prefer a spear sometimes, in D&D.
And you know I love books.
Nathan says:
the book is half full, words you wrote, of what you learned. It';s a work in progress
the other half is what you will learn
I think you're supposed to write it, she-wo-spans-many-cultures
or I'm rambling madly
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
That's important. What you just said? It rang a 'bell' in my head. Keep going.
Nathan says:
the rest is beyond words
It's pure understanding, the part of how I think that makes communication hard
I'll try to translate
You walk the world
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
Alright. I'll be saving this convo.
Nathan says:
here, thru this resource, the net
it's a road/tunnel/pathway
bridge?
(a guide for travel)
by foot seems important for some reason
barefoot anklets with beads and feathers
you see distant lands
thru words
they talk to you
sourses
cultures
voices
words
words are fluid
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
*nodnod*
Nathan says:
same words mean diffrent things
warrior/warrior/warrior
very diffrent
use thier words thru you
make your words
pages/ink/book
write
write a map
globe
global
GAH
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
That's awesome.
Nathan says:
this is hard to do
it's here just not in words
the visual is surreal
there is a globe in a book
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
*nod* I hate that, it can be very very hard to describe.
Nathan says:
not a drawing but a globe in the pages
you are writing it, not drawing it
quill pen
having trouble focusing on the feather
feel like it's important
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
Feathers are a symbol for me, of being on the right track and it ties to my Pagan name
Nathan says:
red bead, blue bead
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
What colour is the quill pen?
Nathan says:
feather is black or grey or dull white
you are in a pine forest
you are wearing hide
deer
a buck
antlers
spear looks like a pool stick
could be me trying to make sense
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
It's interesting your getting a vision of me as both man/woman.
Nathan says:
trying to read the book name
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
Don't do that.
Leave the title alone.
Nathan says:
E.....something
one word
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
It's very very rare we're given actual words.
Nathan says:
words are fluid
...it's lifting
smoke from the fire...pine branches clouding everything up
intended to obscure me
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
*nod* You're not supposed to read the title.
Nathan says:
I've seen enough maybe?
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
Exactly.
You said trying to read the book name and someone said in my ear "don't let him read the book".
Nathan says:
it's done now I think
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
*nod* Can I post this in my blogger to mull it over later?
Nathan says:
si
there's an important note
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
Ok.
Nathan says:
something that it seems critical I must make sure you know
Teach you it's depth?
Words are fluid
so much so they are meaningless
But meaningfull
We...at our core...all think like me, I belive
in ideas, understandings, consepts
formless
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
I hit something the other day; words are just symbols, just ways to make sense of images.
TREE doesnt' look or sound anything like a real tree but it's our word for it.
Nathan says:
words are as pouring water into a bucket
forcing it to take the buckets form
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
*nod*
Nathan says:
than using that to deliver the water
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
We lose something by defining and naming it, by writing it down.
Nathan says:
but, it's the best we've got
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
It is.
Nathan says:
be careful with words
you must try to take all words from the speakers viewpoint
do not mix them with your own
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
That's very very hard.
Nathan says:
it's a trial...the road
the path
global...yes
a long path
I think I get it
you have a chalenge/trial ahead of you
gathering words
putting them together
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
Writing a book?
Nathan says:
many viewpoints
I think so
gathering the viewpoints, experiences of many.
I then speculated that I should write a book or something about the Warrior archetype across cultures and time, past and present Warriors; who are going to be the Warriors of tomorrow. Retell the myths, give them new light and life, etc etc. Sounds like a gnomish life quest.
Nathan: there are things here I do not follow
I pride myself on being able to follow most theology talk
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
In my blog, things you don't follow?
Nathan says:
si
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
Ok, what don't you get?
Nathan says:
how did you find him? How is he relevant to you?
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
Oh, I found him through a lj post that I follow, Men in Full. He was featured there because he's a full sized guy and for me, a light went off in my head.
Nathan says:
please explane this archtype buisness
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
He's relevant because he's the other half of the Warrior. In a small way I didn't even realize was missing, it's now complete.
The Warrior is an Archetype, the the Virgin/Maiden, Mother and Crone.
An archetype is a figure that exists in many myths/cultures/religions
Nathan says:
I know the deffinition, just how it applies here....like I'm familiar with the wiccan trifecta, but how does warrior fit?
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
The Warrior exists outside of the trifecta and it's not Wiccan. It applies here because while the Warrior archetype is an archetype, it's also very personal to me.
Nathan says:
of course, with your clan
tribe...sorry, stumbling over terminology
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
Yes, and also because I've always held Artemis in high regard. No, clan was right. I don't have a tribe.
Nathan says:
the mightiest of warriors, a spear in one hand, a book in the other
half full of your words, from what you've seen
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
I think you might be thinking of Athena, though she is very kick ass too.
Nathan says:
don't know words just filtered thru me
Had to write them somewhere
figured here is appropriate
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
*nod* Artemis could hunt with a spear or bow. She was another daughter of Zeus and sister to Apollo. Here is definitely appropriate.
Nathan says:
it came with a strong image of you
could be something beyond, could be madness, could be both
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
I prefer a spear sometimes, in D&D.
And you know I love books.
Nathan says:
the book is half full, words you wrote, of what you learned. It';s a work in progress
the other half is what you will learn
I think you're supposed to write it, she-wo-spans-many-cultures
or I'm rambling madly
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
That's important. What you just said? It rang a 'bell' in my head. Keep going.
Nathan says:
the rest is beyond words
It's pure understanding, the part of how I think that makes communication hard
I'll try to translate
You walk the world
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
Alright. I'll be saving this convo.
Nathan says:
here, thru this resource, the net
it's a road/tunnel/pathway
bridge?
(a guide for travel)
by foot seems important for some reason
barefoot anklets with beads and feathers
you see distant lands
thru words
they talk to you
sourses
cultures
voices
words
words are fluid
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
*nodnod*
Nathan says:
same words mean diffrent things
warrior/warrior/warrior
very diffrent
use thier words thru you
make your words
pages/ink/book
write
write a map
globe
global
GAH
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
That's awesome.
Nathan says:
this is hard to do
it's here just not in words
the visual is surreal
there is a globe in a book
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
*nod* I hate that, it can be very very hard to describe.
Nathan says:
not a drawing but a globe in the pages
you are writing it, not drawing it
quill pen
having trouble focusing on the feather
feel like it's important
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
Feathers are a symbol for me, of being on the right track and it ties to my Pagan name
Nathan says:
red bead, blue bead
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
What colour is the quill pen?
Nathan says:
feather is black or grey or dull white
you are in a pine forest
you are wearing hide
deer
a buck
antlers
spear looks like a pool stick
could be me trying to make sense
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
It's interesting your getting a vision of me as both man/woman.
Nathan says:
trying to read the book name
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
Don't do that.
Leave the title alone.
Nathan says:
E.....something
one word
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
It's very very rare we're given actual words.
Nathan says:
words are fluid
...it's lifting
smoke from the fire...pine branches clouding everything up
intended to obscure me
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
*nod* You're not supposed to read the title.
Nathan says:
I've seen enough maybe?
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
Exactly.
You said trying to read the book name and someone said in my ear "don't let him read the book".
Nathan says:
it's done now I think
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
*nod* Can I post this in my blogger to mull it over later?
Nathan says:
si
there's an important note
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
Ok.
Nathan says:
something that it seems critical I must make sure you know
Teach you it's depth?
Words are fluid
so much so they are meaningless
But meaningfull
We...at our core...all think like me, I belive
in ideas, understandings, consepts
formless
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
I hit something the other day; words are just symbols, just ways to make sense of images.
TREE doesnt' look or sound anything like a real tree but it's our word for it.
Nathan says:
words are as pouring water into a bucket
forcing it to take the buckets form
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
*nod*
Nathan says:
than using that to deliver the water
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
We lose something by defining and naming it, by writing it down.
Nathan says:
but, it's the best we've got
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
It is.
Nathan says:
be careful with words
you must try to take all words from the speakers viewpoint
do not mix them with your own
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
That's very very hard.
Nathan says:
it's a trial...the road
the path
global...yes
a long path
I think I get it
you have a chalenge/trial ahead of you
gathering words
putting them together
Curvy-wench is watching Grey's on DVD says:
Writing a book?
Nathan says:
many viewpoints
I think so
gathering the viewpoints, experiences of many.
I then speculated that I should write a book or something about the Warrior archetype across cultures and time, past and present Warriors; who are going to be the Warriors of tomorrow. Retell the myths, give them new light and life, etc etc. Sounds like a gnomish life quest.
Ebisu
Perhaps it's only a hold-over from my previous Pagan leanings with the male/female dichotomy, but was I ever excited this morning to find the male half of my female Artemisian Warrior archetype. His name is Ebisu and he's a fat, deaf and generally jolly Japanese figure who is one of the 7 Lucky Gods and the protector of children's health (among other things). October 20th is his holy day, as the other gods are all away at a gathering but being deaf, he doesn't hear the summons and is therefore available for worship. I think it's nifty, very nifty, that my warrior is female, my nurturer is male. At least my dichotomy isn't filled with traditional gender stereotypes. More later.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ebisu_%28mythology%29
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ebisu_%28mythology%29
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Fall Harvest today
To get away from the endless homework this weekend I took a few hours this afternoon at the U and hung out at some workshops and interesting things offered by the Anishnabe Students Association. I got to listen to an elder talk for a while about various teachings and had the chance to ask about Gabe's Eagle feather. A friend gave it to me a couple of years ago to hold on to for him until he gets big enough to take care of it himself.
The Elder told me that the Eagle feather is sacred because when the Creator wants to look in on us, It does so in that form, or sends the Eagle in Its' stead. The Eagle has the widest vision and can look over a lot of creation that way, or zoom in with its' excellent sight. Sometimes we can feel like we're soaring like an Eagle, when we get a little bit of knowledge. Then we are humbled by how little we know, or some circumstance, and become like the Mouse and are small and afraid. Hopefully a teacher will come along, someone to guide us on the true path to widsom, one of our hoofed brothers or sisters, and then we'll live and grow. Eventually we'll get close to the Northern lands, the place of the white Wolf and white Bear, and to prove it we get white in our hair. Mine have already started to show, though I pluck them. I think I'll stop that. The Elder said that each feather comes at the right time and has a special meaning, and that whenever it's used it calls the spirit of the Eagle to come be with us. It doesnt' matter how many feathers you have, only that you honour and take care of each of them. Warriors used to get feathers for shows of bravery or acts in battle, but in a modern context, an Eagle feather could be awarded to someone who's won their battle with drugs and/or alcohol. I think I should have one for kicking the crap out of my post partum depression and abortion issues. ;)
Anyway, so that's what I learned today. I'm now full of sun and food and headachy. Time for bed.
The Elder told me that the Eagle feather is sacred because when the Creator wants to look in on us, It does so in that form, or sends the Eagle in Its' stead. The Eagle has the widest vision and can look over a lot of creation that way, or zoom in with its' excellent sight. Sometimes we can feel like we're soaring like an Eagle, when we get a little bit of knowledge. Then we are humbled by how little we know, or some circumstance, and become like the Mouse and are small and afraid. Hopefully a teacher will come along, someone to guide us on the true path to widsom, one of our hoofed brothers or sisters, and then we'll live and grow. Eventually we'll get close to the Northern lands, the place of the white Wolf and white Bear, and to prove it we get white in our hair. Mine have already started to show, though I pluck them. I think I'll stop that. The Elder said that each feather comes at the right time and has a special meaning, and that whenever it's used it calls the spirit of the Eagle to come be with us. It doesnt' matter how many feathers you have, only that you honour and take care of each of them. Warriors used to get feathers for shows of bravery or acts in battle, but in a modern context, an Eagle feather could be awarded to someone who's won their battle with drugs and/or alcohol. I think I should have one for kicking the crap out of my post partum depression and abortion issues. ;)
Anyway, so that's what I learned today. I'm now full of sun and food and headachy. Time for bed.
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