A new thought

“Over the last few weeks I have begun to confront that my life, my actual existence, is a direct result of two people wanting to have another human being to share their love with, and this has been a humbling realization.” From A Celebration of Curves, found at www.acelebrationofcurves.com

It was an odd thought, a new thought for me. Both my sister and I were planned babies; our parents waited until quite a while after they were married before my sister was born, and then another 3 years for me. My emotional relationship with my parents has been...distant. I'm not sure if I can say they've done the best they can, or maybe they have but it's still not been enough. So to think about the idea that we were were planned, we were wanted, is completely new. Have I ever felt unwanted or unloved? I don't think so, but that sense of closeness has gotten very very infrequent as we got older, their belief we should do things on our own taking over from protective and loving care. It's created a real rift, at least for me, one that is deep, filled with a knowing that I can't count on them. I would like to be able to say that there isnt' anything they wouldnt' do for me, that there isn't a mountain they wouldn't move or something they wouldn't give if I needed it, but I'm not sure if I'd be lying or not. That troubles me.

It troubles me and makes me wonder about my own ability to be a parent, and how Gabe was not planned, that he was a surprise, that our other potential child was a surprise. If and when I get pregnant again, I want it to be planned, not a surprise. I'm tired of the stick turning blue or whatever and me thinking "Oh fuck." I want the stick to turn and for me to be happy, for Ryan and Gabe to be happy too. For it to be the right time, not the worst time. To not be afraid of losing my mind, of hurting myself or my new child, to be strong enough. I'm afraid that when Gabe gets older, I might distance myself from him more than I already have, that I'll push him out the door in order to make him independant and strong, but in reality, all it will do is make him doubt.