A couple of weeks ago while reading tarot at Alison's a woman came in and asked me to read her cards. I did and she was very pleased with how it went, and we chatted for a while during and after the reading about life, spirituality and all sorts of things. Turns out she's a Reiki master (among other things) and was going to do a lvl 1 workshop very shortly. I've wanted to get mine for a while now so I jumped at the oppertunity to do so with her and did just this past Sunday and yesterday. The way she taught was slightly sporadic and disorganized but we learned all the basic positions and information about Reiki's history by the end of the day. The actual attunement was yesterday. Both times I was able to feel when energy was in use around me, and in me, and it was a good feeling, one I rarely get during rituals where we try to raise any. This is a good time of the month for me, energy wise, so I'm not surprised Joy remarked that I'm very 'sensitive' and seems like I'm a natural.
Joy isn't like anyone I've ever met; she's deeply spiritual, almost too much so, but she's strong. She reminds me of the Dalai Lama; living her faith but working with it to make the world a better place. Some of her ideas about things are too peace & love, even for me, but I'm willing to put aside my cynicism and just listen. We had a long talk before and after my attunement yesterday and we share similar feelings and thoughts about the Divine and spirituality. I told her that I recognize she's the newest teacher in my life and that I welcome what she has to share. Oddly enough, despite how close Amanda and I are, our views on deity and the divine in the world are vastly different, and in her husband's case, hostile to my own. It will be nice to have someone to talk too who's ideas are more close to my own, that I wont feel like I have to defend what I say against science. There are things in this world that science hasn't yet developed enough to touch, let alone detect.
So I have my reiki lvl 1 now and Ryan's itching for me to use him as a guina pig. ^^ I shall as soon as I have the time and/or energy! I've been fairly tired lately but a couple of nights of not enough sleep combined with a very busy (but awesome) birthday weekend has wiped me out.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Playing For Change: Peace through Music!
Click the link to check out what Playing for Change is up too! I enjoy PfC and what they stand for; non-violent action through music to promote peace and harmony around the world. What could be cooler than that?
Monday, May 11, 2009
All Life is Sacred~Attitude problems
Jan 24th 2009
Ok, so I'm in the shower, lather, rinse, repeat and suddenly my mind has wandered into my Anish classes and the phrase "All life is sacred." Simple concept, no? Seems easy enough to follow--if all life is sacred, it's worthy of respect and will be treated as holy. Most people have an idea somewhere in their head that life is valuable (that's a loaded word if I ever saw one), that it has meaning, that life itself is worth something. (Again, what's with all the money terminology?) BUT, imagine for a moment, if you will, a world where everyone is taught from the cradle that ALL life is sacred, and then they practise that throughout their life. They don't just mouth it as an idle platitude, they live it, everyday.
--No more child abuse or molestation, abandonment or neglect
--No more abortion. There would be no need. If all life was sacred but you didn't want the child (dissonance there, I know), then you could give it up safely for adoption because someone would take care of it and do a good job.
--No more rape. If every man and woman looked at each other as a sacred part of life, there would never be another rape.
--Apathy would disappear
--Animal abuse, neglect and abandoment would disappear too. ALL life is sacred, not just the walking, talking two-legged kind. Sure, we still need to eat so raising and killing animals for food would still occur but it would be in a much more humane way.
--Environmental damage would be repaired and prevented from continuing. If ALL life was sacred, noone would look at 300 acres of rainforest and see 300 million dollars. Instead, they would see a rainforest and all the life therein and it would be sacred, protected by the virtue of simply being alive.
Need I go on? (Mind you, I realize there will still be sick people out there, real psychos and the like, who operate with different brains than the rest of us. They would have to be humanely separated somehow. Also, accidents would still happen but it wouldn't be because of apathy or neglect.)
Ryan points out the flaw in my brilliant "I can fix the world with just a simple phrase" idea; there are nearly 7 billion people living on earth, some of whom have hated each other for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. A lot of them (the Western World) are heavily involved in busineses that keep the other 3/4 of the world in a state of poverty and neglect for it's own comfort. (Remember www.thestoryofstuff.com ?) Noone fights against thier own comfort, and getting 7 billion people to agree on ANYTHING is a serious task. But isn't it worth attempting? Utopia, a perfect harmonious world, may be impossible to achieve but isnt' it worth working towards, to get as close as we can? If even half the people on this planet who don't follow this concept started too there would be major change and fast. There are those who do but since they're not a part of the industrialized business end of things (think indigenous and tribal peoples around the globe and most likely a large majority of family farmers) they dont' count apparently. The almighty dollar holds sway instead of this simple concept which is so wrong I just don't have the words.
Imagine if "All life is sacred" was held as the first and most high idea in all cultures and societies, above every law, religion and science. What would that world look like? I imagine there would be a lot of rainbows and unicorn-farts. ;)
February 18th 2009
"That's just the way it is." Man do I hate that attitude. If people always settled for the way things are the civil rights movement in the States would never have happened. The Red School House would never have been built. The feminist movement would also have never happened, along with other important, positive changes. It's by saying THIS ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH and I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE that the world is changed for the better.
On the way home from ceremonies I got into a heated debate with Tausha and Dallas about my ideas; the system the world runs on is fundamentally broken and all that entails. I have no problem with wanting to work and work hard to get what you want in life but having to work your ass off JUST to get by, at the expense of your happiness, family time, and even your health (in some cases) is wrong. The fact that parents both have to work 40 hour a week jobs and put their kids in daycare at like, age 1 (sometimes younger), is wrong. Someone else shouldnt' be raising your child, YOU should be. I'm not against socializing kids. I understand that social interaction is important, no, fundamental to early child development. HOWEVER, being seperated from their parents for hours and hours a day for days at a time cannot be good for them.
Being so dependant on that system for everything we have and need is not a good idea because someday that system will shut down. Hello global food shortages this past summer? Hello lack of oil post-Katrina? Remember that, world? When the lights went out on the eastern seaboard one August a few years ago a lot of people were lost without power. They had no clue how to take care of themselves without it. During the huge ice storm that also hit the northern east coast a few years back people actually DIED because of the lack of power and therefore heat. We don't know how to take care of ourselves OR how to reach out and help others and that's a damn shame.
When I tried to explain this to Dallas and Taush I think I hit a nerve; they both became very defensive. They asked me "What are you going to do about it, Jen? Why waste your energy stressing about how broken the world is? Just try to get through it and provide for your family."
What am I going to do about it? That's a very good question. I try to think back to what others before me have done. Rosa Parks refused to move when the busdriver told her to move to the back of the bus where the other coloured people were. 40 years later we have a black man as President in the States. A single mom with two little girls she was tired of seeing get beaten up everyday at school went to Eddie and said "Do something because I wont have this happen to my girls anymore." And he did. The Red School House was created and has graduated many many American Anishnabe since. Women went to work during WW2, liked it, and refused to leave when their men came home. We're still working to make things equal between the sexes across the board but so much ground has been gained in the past hundred years and some it's astonishing.
Never underestimate the power of a small group of individuals determined to change the world. It's the only thing that ever has. I have to believe that. I have to believe that there are other people out there like me, with similar feelings and ideas, who want to change the world into something better than it is, where moms and dads can raise their kids without worrying where their next paycheque will come from because there wont BE any paycheques, where everyone knows how to grow food and conserves water, where the planet isn't being continuously poisoned and degraded by our every move. It's a lot to ask for but right now, it's babysteps. As long as someone gets the ball rolling it wont stop until all the changes have been made.
What am I going to do about it? I'm going to try and live my life in a way that I think best reflects what I believe and not get sucked wholly into that system, to remain aware of what it is, how it works and what it does. I will fight against it always, raise awareness of it where and when I can and choose my allies with care. Unless I magically become the Prime Minister someday, that's about all I can do; work at a grassroots level and hope it spreads like wildfire from there.
Ok, so I'm in the shower, lather, rinse, repeat and suddenly my mind has wandered into my Anish classes and the phrase "All life is sacred." Simple concept, no? Seems easy enough to follow--if all life is sacred, it's worthy of respect and will be treated as holy. Most people have an idea somewhere in their head that life is valuable (that's a loaded word if I ever saw one), that it has meaning, that life itself is worth something. (Again, what's with all the money terminology?) BUT, imagine for a moment, if you will, a world where everyone is taught from the cradle that ALL life is sacred, and then they practise that throughout their life. They don't just mouth it as an idle platitude, they live it, everyday.
--No more child abuse or molestation, abandonment or neglect
--No more abortion. There would be no need. If all life was sacred but you didn't want the child (dissonance there, I know), then you could give it up safely for adoption because someone would take care of it and do a good job.
--No more rape. If every man and woman looked at each other as a sacred part of life, there would never be another rape.
--Apathy would disappear
--Animal abuse, neglect and abandoment would disappear too. ALL life is sacred, not just the walking, talking two-legged kind. Sure, we still need to eat so raising and killing animals for food would still occur but it would be in a much more humane way.
--Environmental damage would be repaired and prevented from continuing. If ALL life was sacred, noone would look at 300 acres of rainforest and see 300 million dollars. Instead, they would see a rainforest and all the life therein and it would be sacred, protected by the virtue of simply being alive.
Need I go on? (Mind you, I realize there will still be sick people out there, real psychos and the like, who operate with different brains than the rest of us. They would have to be humanely separated somehow. Also, accidents would still happen but it wouldn't be because of apathy or neglect.)
Ryan points out the flaw in my brilliant "I can fix the world with just a simple phrase" idea; there are nearly 7 billion people living on earth, some of whom have hated each other for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. A lot of them (the Western World) are heavily involved in busineses that keep the other 3/4 of the world in a state of poverty and neglect for it's own comfort. (Remember www.thestoryofstuff.com ?) Noone fights against thier own comfort, and getting 7 billion people to agree on ANYTHING is a serious task. But isn't it worth attempting? Utopia, a perfect harmonious world, may be impossible to achieve but isnt' it worth working towards, to get as close as we can? If even half the people on this planet who don't follow this concept started too there would be major change and fast. There are those who do but since they're not a part of the industrialized business end of things (think indigenous and tribal peoples around the globe and most likely a large majority of family farmers) they dont' count apparently. The almighty dollar holds sway instead of this simple concept which is so wrong I just don't have the words.
Imagine if "All life is sacred" was held as the first and most high idea in all cultures and societies, above every law, religion and science. What would that world look like? I imagine there would be a lot of rainbows and unicorn-farts. ;)
February 18th 2009
"That's just the way it is." Man do I hate that attitude. If people always settled for the way things are the civil rights movement in the States would never have happened. The Red School House would never have been built. The feminist movement would also have never happened, along with other important, positive changes. It's by saying THIS ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH and I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE that the world is changed for the better.
On the way home from ceremonies I got into a heated debate with Tausha and Dallas about my ideas; the system the world runs on is fundamentally broken and all that entails. I have no problem with wanting to work and work hard to get what you want in life but having to work your ass off JUST to get by, at the expense of your happiness, family time, and even your health (in some cases) is wrong. The fact that parents both have to work 40 hour a week jobs and put their kids in daycare at like, age 1 (sometimes younger), is wrong. Someone else shouldnt' be raising your child, YOU should be. I'm not against socializing kids. I understand that social interaction is important, no, fundamental to early child development. HOWEVER, being seperated from their parents for hours and hours a day for days at a time cannot be good for them.
Being so dependant on that system for everything we have and need is not a good idea because someday that system will shut down. Hello global food shortages this past summer? Hello lack of oil post-Katrina? Remember that, world? When the lights went out on the eastern seaboard one August a few years ago a lot of people were lost without power. They had no clue how to take care of themselves without it. During the huge ice storm that also hit the northern east coast a few years back people actually DIED because of the lack of power and therefore heat. We don't know how to take care of ourselves OR how to reach out and help others and that's a damn shame.
When I tried to explain this to Dallas and Taush I think I hit a nerve; they both became very defensive. They asked me "What are you going to do about it, Jen? Why waste your energy stressing about how broken the world is? Just try to get through it and provide for your family."
What am I going to do about it? That's a very good question. I try to think back to what others before me have done. Rosa Parks refused to move when the busdriver told her to move to the back of the bus where the other coloured people were. 40 years later we have a black man as President in the States. A single mom with two little girls she was tired of seeing get beaten up everyday at school went to Eddie and said "Do something because I wont have this happen to my girls anymore." And he did. The Red School House was created and has graduated many many American Anishnabe since. Women went to work during WW2, liked it, and refused to leave when their men came home. We're still working to make things equal between the sexes across the board but so much ground has been gained in the past hundred years and some it's astonishing.
Never underestimate the power of a small group of individuals determined to change the world. It's the only thing that ever has. I have to believe that. I have to believe that there are other people out there like me, with similar feelings and ideas, who want to change the world into something better than it is, where moms and dads can raise their kids without worrying where their next paycheque will come from because there wont BE any paycheques, where everyone knows how to grow food and conserves water, where the planet isn't being continuously poisoned and degraded by our every move. It's a lot to ask for but right now, it's babysteps. As long as someone gets the ball rolling it wont stop until all the changes have been made.
What am I going to do about it? I'm going to try and live my life in a way that I think best reflects what I believe and not get sucked wholly into that system, to remain aware of what it is, how it works and what it does. I will fight against it always, raise awareness of it where and when I can and choose my allies with care. Unless I magically become the Prime Minister someday, that's about all I can do; work at a grassroots level and hope it spreads like wildfire from there.
Ceremonies (all relevant posts)
February 17th 2009
Last night mom and I were emailing each other about their trip to Mexico and I asked her to drop in and visit sometime soon and when she does to bring with her info on her family tree so I can figure out if we have any Anishnabe ancestors or not. She writes me back saying "Oh yeah, I have a great grandmother who was Cree and Sioux who lived near Alberta." *facepalm* Now I really want to look at her notes and see if she has a picture or something of this woman. She's probably the one who helped Eddie find my spirit name.
Feb 15th 2009
Let's try this again. The 6 hour drive to get down to Bad River took 9, thanks to getting a little lost, a dinner stop and a couple of bathroom breaks. That's ok though, I got to know the people I drove down with a lot better. :) I went down with Tausha and her 2 year old boy Kason, Dallas, Falcon and J.P in a red minivan. T'was good times, though I did earn a nickname: Book Woman. ^__^ We got in sooo late, however, that we decided to just pick up things people needed from the world's biggest Walmart and then go swimming and hottubbing at the hotel. J.P and Falcon can really cannonball.
The first half of the first day was pretty uneventful with a lot of watching and listening to other people's ceremonies. The lodge is all about healing, and is very much unlike a pow wow because it's Serious Business in the lodge. Mostly. The lodge itself is inside a building, a skeletal frame of poles held together with twine and the sacred fire in the center. The east door is open but the west door is shut against all entry as it leads to the spirit world. The sacred fire is tended at all times by the (male only) Fire Keepers and the doors by Door Keepers. Falcon and another classmate Perry would have fun the next night playing doorkeeper against a small herd of buffalo dancers. ^^
Just before the feast the first night we were asked if anyone wanted to go to the sweat and I raised my hand; that afternoon Eddie's family had done a powerful grief healing for the loss of his granddaughter, Audra, who had died at just about a year old earlier this year. I cried all the way through it, thinking about the daughter I had willingly given up. A sweat seemed like the perfect solution to that fear, pain and grief I'd been carrying around for a year and a day. (Feb 12th 2008 last year, the day my neice was born, was the day I found out I was pregnant and when the whole thing started. The sweat was Friday, Feb 13th 2009. Funny how things work out sometimes. Anyway, after supper and borrowing the things I would need from fellow students, it was into the sweat lodge. 14 people, including myself, two classmates and the leader of the sweat, all crammed into this low, turtle-shell like structure with a frozen dirt floor and a pit in the middle. Outside a fire that burned mostly blue was roaring, preparing the mishomis and nokomis for us, the stones who are our grandmothers and grandfathers, to help heal us.
Despite the strangers and strange surroundings, or maybe because of them, I was finally able to let it all go. In the utter blackness of the lodge, with the little boy water drum pounding into my bones and heart and the singing and release of the others, a sound that was more moan than wail rose up from somewhere deep inside me where it's been kept since Gabe's labour and I used it to give my fear and grief to the stones. I had asked them to help me heal through grieving and they did; that voice shook me with it's power, it's low, throaty sound and I was almost afraid of it. In that moment I overcame my fear. I wont be afraid anymore, not of myself or feelings, my power as a person, and definitely not as a woman In the western door, though I couldn't see my hand infront of my face, I kept seeing my almost-daughter; long blonde hair in a pony tail, coltish thin body, all elbows and knees just waiting to go through the door and into the next world and looking at me over her shoulder with her beautiful deep blue eyes to give her permission. I gave it with everything in my heart and soul. That pain and grief is gone now and it will only come back to me if I choose to pick it up. I wont.
The three of us went back to the hotel and slept like the dead, missed sunrise ceremonies and finally wandered in at nearly noon. That was a long afternoon. I recieved my name and clan with my fellow students standing proudly behind me, a name given to me by my teacher and given to him by my grandmother from 3 generations ago. That would be my grandma P's grandma, who was a midwife. My name is Little Eagle Woman, and my clan is the Marten Clan.
It was a very proud moment and I made sure to say my thanks to Eddie, my classmates and to everyone in the lodge. They were very welcoming and I got chance soon after to become a part of the clan in a real hands on way. But first! We learned and watched about the Water Line Women and their sacred duty to the waters of the earth and helped them get their belts and sashes. Four generations of women stood in lines to recieve these things; great grandmothers, their daughters, their granddaughters and their great-granddaughters. We danced afterwards to celebrate and I joined in, Anishnabe style, which came very naturally to me. Eddie noticed I was in the lodge dancing along with everyone and said on the mic "Little Eagle dances!" and everyone cheered. I had Gabe's eagle-feather with me so it could get some of that good energy from the lodge and I kept it with me all night for dances and other things. After the water women were honoured they brought in the warrior drums and we feasted them. My clan, being the warrior clan, was incharge of that feast so I wandered over to the kitchen to help bring in the food and then served a bunch of people their dinner. By doing that we feasted not only the drums, but those who'd gotten their names today, including me. After dinner we danced and sang the warrior songs, the buffalo songs and welcomed two new girls to the Buffalo path and then finally came the jingle dress dancing.
This was a powerful healing, as the dresses were originally created for the sole purpose of healing someone through the dance and sound of the dress. They were never meant for pow-wows or competitions, but that was the only place I'd seen them before. At the first sound from the dresses I could feel the change in the energy of the room but that was all for me. The sweat lodge has certainly done it's work well and though others in the healing circle of dresses (all 47 of them) were crying or coughing or even vomiting to help eject their sickness, I was just tired. During the third song I'm ashamed to say I fell asleep sitting against the wall, even though the bench was horribly uncomfortable and I never thought I'd sleep there.
Finally we went back to the hotel and slept. We went back to the lodge briefly in the am to say goodbye to Eddie and honestly, I got choked up at the thought of leaving. I didnt' want to go; I have no idea when I'll ever be going back. It may not be for years and years but when I do I will be much better prepared. The trip back was fairly uneventful and shorter than the trip there and I couldn't wait to see Gabe and Ryan again.
So there it is! Ceremonies!
Feb 11th 2009
I'm still going to ceremonies and am going to learn all that I can. Hopefully I'll still recieve mine and Gabe's names and clans. Apparently even if you're not Anishnabe you can still have a clan. In their beliefs, everyone has clans, even the Europeans, even if they've forgotten that information. With Ry's dad being Scottish and mine English finding our clans shouldn't be hard. Badwaywedun (Eddie) has been thinking about my name since I mentioned it to him a month ago so I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high that it will be revealed at ceremonies. I wish I had more tobacco. Oh! I'm going to bring Gabe's eagle feather and get it blessed along with the others and see if I can find someone who will teach me about it.
February 7th 2009
While talking with mom just a little while ago on the phone she clarified for me that while I have Anishnabe relatives, I dont' have any direct ancestors and therefore I'm basically as white as a snowflake. Honestly, I'm crushed. I'm not ashamed to be white, though our history as a race kinda sucks in some parts, but I feel like the past little while now, my actions and words, makes me a fake. I feel like I was an adopted kid who found her real family and then someone came along and said oh, no no, my mistake, the family you have IS your real family. I can't, in good conscience, introduce myself as Ojibwe Anishnabe ikwe because it's not true, though it feels that way in my heart and gut. Genetically I'm one thing but my spirit says something else.
Someone who has become a close friend said 'as if you get your soul through your blood.' And he's right; as if. Your soul is ethereal and has little or nothing to do with the genetic dna in your body, but then again, how can we be sure? The tie between faith and science is tenuous at best, slim as spider's webs but not nearly as strong. I feel so torn. On one hand, I can continue to learn about the culture and language, the beliefs and practises of the faith and incorporate that into my life, but on the other hand, how much does not having the 'right' blood limit me?
For example, I know in Japan that no matter how much you learn the traditions and language, if you're not Japanese, you'll never BE Japanese and they'll always know and treat you differently. There's nothing you can do about that. If you're an African American but feel Japanese in your heart, there's nothing you can do to make yourself a part of that culture and traditions, no matter how hard you try, and you'd probably be looked at funny for even trying to be like the other guy.
I'm very aware of the idea of cultural appropriation of voice, not just through my English studies but also through Paganism. If you're going to learn and study the ancient Celtic ways but throw Egyptian deities into the mix, you're not respecting the culture and traditions that those beliefs center around. So much of the Anishnabe way of doing things ritually and their stories and beliefs mesh with what I feel and believe, like a fine-tuning and clarification of the initial 'home' feeling I got at my very first Samhain ritual back when I was a baby Pagan. That night I was brought home and these past months it's felt like I've finally been shown what room in that home is mine to call my very own.
I don't want to have to give up my room.
Feb 5th 2009
So Ceremonies are next week and I'm getting really excited/nervous about it. I'm not sure what's expected of me or what to do or where to go so I'm latching onto one of the more experienced women and going to play shadow for the weekend. I might get my name and totem, as well as Gabe's, so that's exciting but it's hard to be starting to walk a different Path than the one I have been for the past 8 1/2 years. I've always had respect and interest in the Anishnabe ways but now I'm doing more than just read about it, I'm actually going to go and participate. Ceremonies are held once every season so I'll have plenty of oppertunities in the future to expand on what I learn this first time. In the future, I hope to bring Gabe with me.
It will help if when I'm there I know Ry's parent's heritage as best I can (Dad's side is Scottish), as well as my own, so maybe I'll even discover what Clan I belong too, and which one is Gabe's. We'd have different clans because that's passed down through the father, so Gabe and Ryan's would be the same.
I don't know; I think it will be a weekend of deep emotions, learning and a lot of listening. I know I'll come back changed. Hopefully it's for the best.
Last night mom and I were emailing each other about their trip to Mexico and I asked her to drop in and visit sometime soon and when she does to bring with her info on her family tree so I can figure out if we have any Anishnabe ancestors or not. She writes me back saying "Oh yeah, I have a great grandmother who was Cree and Sioux who lived near Alberta." *facepalm* Now I really want to look at her notes and see if she has a picture or something of this woman. She's probably the one who helped Eddie find my spirit name.
Feb 15th 2009
Let's try this again. The 6 hour drive to get down to Bad River took 9, thanks to getting a little lost, a dinner stop and a couple of bathroom breaks. That's ok though, I got to know the people I drove down with a lot better. :) I went down with Tausha and her 2 year old boy Kason, Dallas, Falcon and J.P in a red minivan. T'was good times, though I did earn a nickname: Book Woman. ^__^ We got in sooo late, however, that we decided to just pick up things people needed from the world's biggest Walmart and then go swimming and hottubbing at the hotel. J.P and Falcon can really cannonball.
The first half of the first day was pretty uneventful with a lot of watching and listening to other people's ceremonies. The lodge is all about healing, and is very much unlike a pow wow because it's Serious Business in the lodge. Mostly. The lodge itself is inside a building, a skeletal frame of poles held together with twine and the sacred fire in the center. The east door is open but the west door is shut against all entry as it leads to the spirit world. The sacred fire is tended at all times by the (male only) Fire Keepers and the doors by Door Keepers. Falcon and another classmate Perry would have fun the next night playing doorkeeper against a small herd of buffalo dancers. ^^
Just before the feast the first night we were asked if anyone wanted to go to the sweat and I raised my hand; that afternoon Eddie's family had done a powerful grief healing for the loss of his granddaughter, Audra, who had died at just about a year old earlier this year. I cried all the way through it, thinking about the daughter I had willingly given up. A sweat seemed like the perfect solution to that fear, pain and grief I'd been carrying around for a year and a day. (Feb 12th 2008 last year, the day my neice was born, was the day I found out I was pregnant and when the whole thing started. The sweat was Friday, Feb 13th 2009. Funny how things work out sometimes. Anyway, after supper and borrowing the things I would need from fellow students, it was into the sweat lodge. 14 people, including myself, two classmates and the leader of the sweat, all crammed into this low, turtle-shell like structure with a frozen dirt floor and a pit in the middle. Outside a fire that burned mostly blue was roaring, preparing the mishomis and nokomis for us, the stones who are our grandmothers and grandfathers, to help heal us.
Despite the strangers and strange surroundings, or maybe because of them, I was finally able to let it all go. In the utter blackness of the lodge, with the little boy water drum pounding into my bones and heart and the singing and release of the others, a sound that was more moan than wail rose up from somewhere deep inside me where it's been kept since Gabe's labour and I used it to give my fear and grief to the stones. I had asked them to help me heal through grieving and they did; that voice shook me with it's power, it's low, throaty sound and I was almost afraid of it. In that moment I overcame my fear. I wont be afraid anymore, not of myself or feelings, my power as a person, and definitely not as a woman In the western door, though I couldn't see my hand infront of my face, I kept seeing my almost-daughter; long blonde hair in a pony tail, coltish thin body, all elbows and knees just waiting to go through the door and into the next world and looking at me over her shoulder with her beautiful deep blue eyes to give her permission. I gave it with everything in my heart and soul. That pain and grief is gone now and it will only come back to me if I choose to pick it up. I wont.
The three of us went back to the hotel and slept like the dead, missed sunrise ceremonies and finally wandered in at nearly noon. That was a long afternoon. I recieved my name and clan with my fellow students standing proudly behind me, a name given to me by my teacher and given to him by my grandmother from 3 generations ago. That would be my grandma P's grandma, who was a midwife. My name is Little Eagle Woman, and my clan is the Marten Clan.
It was a very proud moment and I made sure to say my thanks to Eddie, my classmates and to everyone in the lodge. They were very welcoming and I got chance soon after to become a part of the clan in a real hands on way. But first! We learned and watched about the Water Line Women and their sacred duty to the waters of the earth and helped them get their belts and sashes. Four generations of women stood in lines to recieve these things; great grandmothers, their daughters, their granddaughters and their great-granddaughters. We danced afterwards to celebrate and I joined in, Anishnabe style, which came very naturally to me. Eddie noticed I was in the lodge dancing along with everyone and said on the mic "Little Eagle dances!" and everyone cheered. I had Gabe's eagle-feather with me so it could get some of that good energy from the lodge and I kept it with me all night for dances and other things. After the water women were honoured they brought in the warrior drums and we feasted them. My clan, being the warrior clan, was incharge of that feast so I wandered over to the kitchen to help bring in the food and then served a bunch of people their dinner. By doing that we feasted not only the drums, but those who'd gotten their names today, including me. After dinner we danced and sang the warrior songs, the buffalo songs and welcomed two new girls to the Buffalo path and then finally came the jingle dress dancing.
This was a powerful healing, as the dresses were originally created for the sole purpose of healing someone through the dance and sound of the dress. They were never meant for pow-wows or competitions, but that was the only place I'd seen them before. At the first sound from the dresses I could feel the change in the energy of the room but that was all for me. The sweat lodge has certainly done it's work well and though others in the healing circle of dresses (all 47 of them) were crying or coughing or even vomiting to help eject their sickness, I was just tired. During the third song I'm ashamed to say I fell asleep sitting against the wall, even though the bench was horribly uncomfortable and I never thought I'd sleep there.
Finally we went back to the hotel and slept. We went back to the lodge briefly in the am to say goodbye to Eddie and honestly, I got choked up at the thought of leaving. I didnt' want to go; I have no idea when I'll ever be going back. It may not be for years and years but when I do I will be much better prepared. The trip back was fairly uneventful and shorter than the trip there and I couldn't wait to see Gabe and Ryan again.
So there it is! Ceremonies!
Feb 11th 2009
I'm still going to ceremonies and am going to learn all that I can. Hopefully I'll still recieve mine and Gabe's names and clans. Apparently even if you're not Anishnabe you can still have a clan. In their beliefs, everyone has clans, even the Europeans, even if they've forgotten that information. With Ry's dad being Scottish and mine English finding our clans shouldn't be hard. Badwaywedun (Eddie) has been thinking about my name since I mentioned it to him a month ago so I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high that it will be revealed at ceremonies. I wish I had more tobacco. Oh! I'm going to bring Gabe's eagle feather and get it blessed along with the others and see if I can find someone who will teach me about it.
February 7th 2009
While talking with mom just a little while ago on the phone she clarified for me that while I have Anishnabe relatives, I dont' have any direct ancestors and therefore I'm basically as white as a snowflake. Honestly, I'm crushed. I'm not ashamed to be white, though our history as a race kinda sucks in some parts, but I feel like the past little while now, my actions and words, makes me a fake. I feel like I was an adopted kid who found her real family and then someone came along and said oh, no no, my mistake, the family you have IS your real family. I can't, in good conscience, introduce myself as Ojibwe Anishnabe ikwe because it's not true, though it feels that way in my heart and gut. Genetically I'm one thing but my spirit says something else.
Someone who has become a close friend said 'as if you get your soul through your blood.' And he's right; as if. Your soul is ethereal and has little or nothing to do with the genetic dna in your body, but then again, how can we be sure? The tie between faith and science is tenuous at best, slim as spider's webs but not nearly as strong. I feel so torn. On one hand, I can continue to learn about the culture and language, the beliefs and practises of the faith and incorporate that into my life, but on the other hand, how much does not having the 'right' blood limit me?
For example, I know in Japan that no matter how much you learn the traditions and language, if you're not Japanese, you'll never BE Japanese and they'll always know and treat you differently. There's nothing you can do about that. If you're an African American but feel Japanese in your heart, there's nothing you can do to make yourself a part of that culture and traditions, no matter how hard you try, and you'd probably be looked at funny for even trying to be like the other guy.
I'm very aware of the idea of cultural appropriation of voice, not just through my English studies but also through Paganism. If you're going to learn and study the ancient Celtic ways but throw Egyptian deities into the mix, you're not respecting the culture and traditions that those beliefs center around. So much of the Anishnabe way of doing things ritually and their stories and beliefs mesh with what I feel and believe, like a fine-tuning and clarification of the initial 'home' feeling I got at my very first Samhain ritual back when I was a baby Pagan. That night I was brought home and these past months it's felt like I've finally been shown what room in that home is mine to call my very own.
I don't want to have to give up my room.
Feb 5th 2009
So Ceremonies are next week and I'm getting really excited/nervous about it. I'm not sure what's expected of me or what to do or where to go so I'm latching onto one of the more experienced women and going to play shadow for the weekend. I might get my name and totem, as well as Gabe's, so that's exciting but it's hard to be starting to walk a different Path than the one I have been for the past 8 1/2 years. I've always had respect and interest in the Anishnabe ways but now I'm doing more than just read about it, I'm actually going to go and participate. Ceremonies are held once every season so I'll have plenty of oppertunities in the future to expand on what I learn this first time. In the future, I hope to bring Gabe with me.
It will help if when I'm there I know Ry's parent's heritage as best I can (Dad's side is Scottish), as well as my own, so maybe I'll even discover what Clan I belong too, and which one is Gabe's. We'd have different clans because that's passed down through the father, so Gabe and Ryan's would be the same.
I don't know; I think it will be a weekend of deep emotions, learning and a lot of listening. I know I'll come back changed. Hopefully it's for the best.
Matron Goddess: Artemis
April 25th 2009
Once upon a time when I was but a wee fluffy baby Pagan and hardly fit to be around other folk, I rediscovered the Greek pantheon in all it's glory. During my late years in grade school I had found this book in the library at Greenwood with gorgeous full page art and stories about the gods. The entire family tree, such as could be mapped, was displayed through the front inside cover and first page. Entranced, I must have taken that book out a dozen times and I wrote my gr 7 oral presentation about the gods. While discovering Paganism and taking my first tentative steps into a whole other way of thinking during my middle years of highschool I went back to deities that were familiar. It was easier for me to wrap my mind around an entire pantheon than a dual split God/Goddess match. I've come a long way since then and my view of diety is much different but there's still one Goddess that manages to reach out to me, or me to her, when I really really need it.
Despite being married and having a child I've always felt that Artemis was the Goddess for me. She's the Goddess for strong, independent women, women in trouble or danger, women like me. Fall isn't a good time for me to be away but thankfully I'll be back by November which is usually my worst time. I think that if I also re-commit myself to my Pagan beliefs, my Goddess included, that I'll have an extra well of strength to draw on during what is going to be a difficult time. Changing my way of thinking will help me get through.
Once upon a time when I was but a wee fluffy baby Pagan and hardly fit to be around other folk, I rediscovered the Greek pantheon in all it's glory. During my late years in grade school I had found this book in the library at Greenwood with gorgeous full page art and stories about the gods. The entire family tree, such as could be mapped, was displayed through the front inside cover and first page. Entranced, I must have taken that book out a dozen times and I wrote my gr 7 oral presentation about the gods. While discovering Paganism and taking my first tentative steps into a whole other way of thinking during my middle years of highschool I went back to deities that were familiar. It was easier for me to wrap my mind around an entire pantheon than a dual split God/Goddess match. I've come a long way since then and my view of diety is much different but there's still one Goddess that manages to reach out to me, or me to her, when I really really need it.
Despite being married and having a child I've always felt that Artemis was the Goddess for me. She's the Goddess for strong, independent women, women in trouble or danger, women like me. Fall isn't a good time for me to be away but thankfully I'll be back by November which is usually my worst time. I think that if I also re-commit myself to my Pagan beliefs, my Goddess included, that I'll have an extra well of strength to draw on during what is going to be a difficult time. Changing my way of thinking will help me get through.
Counselling
August 19th 2008
V thinks I'm suffering partially from PST and PPD at the same time; what a nice combination (Post Tramautic Stress and Post Partum Depression).
You're allowed to cry at funerals. You're allowed to cry during sad parts in movies. You're allowed to cry at weddings. That's it. I'm too aware and allow myself to be restricted by what I'm supposedly allowed and not allowed to do and feel. I have an inkling of where that comes from (thanks mom and dad!) but that's yet another post for another day, or an edit of the Family one from not too long ago.
The more I think about it, the more I think that what would be helpful to me would be a sort of funeral, a ritual of some kind (oh geeze, getting choked up again) to help me let go and say goodbye. "The Pagan Book of Living and Dying" has some great stuff in it that I think I need. I don't think I should, or can, wait until Samhain.
Despite my vehemence in insisting that what lived in me for three months was not a person, it was a soul, who, for whatever reason, picked me. You can't be a person without a soul, and in my beliefs, the soul is the very first part that takes up residence and then the body builds around that. The soul is the spark that gets the egg and sperm together and the mystery that gets the cells growing and dividing and specializing. We know it happens, but honestly, science hasn't figured out why. That's my why. And that's why I need to say goodbye and move on.
I can choose to let go or I can choose to stay broken and sad. I can choose to quit feeling guilty for evicting that soul or not. I have one comfort that came to me this morning while I was eating toast; you can't kill a soul- in my beliefs they're eternal, so I can quit thinking that I'm a murderer and a bad person, which is a relief.
Ok, that's enough for now, I think.
V thinks I'm suffering partially from PST and PPD at the same time; what a nice combination (Post Tramautic Stress and Post Partum Depression).
You're allowed to cry at funerals. You're allowed to cry during sad parts in movies. You're allowed to cry at weddings. That's it. I'm too aware and allow myself to be restricted by what I'm supposedly allowed and not allowed to do and feel. I have an inkling of where that comes from (thanks mom and dad!) but that's yet another post for another day, or an edit of the Family one from not too long ago.
The more I think about it, the more I think that what would be helpful to me would be a sort of funeral, a ritual of some kind (oh geeze, getting choked up again) to help me let go and say goodbye. "The Pagan Book of Living and Dying" has some great stuff in it that I think I need. I don't think I should, or can, wait until Samhain.
Despite my vehemence in insisting that what lived in me for three months was not a person, it was a soul, who, for whatever reason, picked me. You can't be a person without a soul, and in my beliefs, the soul is the very first part that takes up residence and then the body builds around that. The soul is the spark that gets the egg and sperm together and the mystery that gets the cells growing and dividing and specializing. We know it happens, but honestly, science hasn't figured out why. That's my why. And that's why I need to say goodbye and move on.
I can choose to let go or I can choose to stay broken and sad. I can choose to quit feeling guilty for evicting that soul or not. I have one comfort that came to me this morning while I was eating toast; you can't kill a soul- in my beliefs they're eternal, so I can quit thinking that I'm a murderer and a bad person, which is a relief.
Ok, that's enough for now, I think.
More post abortion ramblings
October 3rd 2008
Had a mini-melt down last night with Ryan while watching "And Then She Found Me"; it's amazing how a simple scene with an ultrasound of a 6 week old fetus made me feel. Holy crap. I never saw mine, I refused to look both times I had ultrasounds done. I didn't want (more) visual evidence of what was growing inside of me, or of what I had chosen to destroy.
Part of the melt-down was brought on by some of the things that have been coming up in my Anish1006 class; we've been talking about the creation story of the Ojibwe and how it mirrors conception, labour and birth. Sometime shortly after conception the fetus is given their spirit name by the Creator. (I wonder if my potential baby had a name already? Supposedly it did...) It's never to late to find your own spirit name and I hope to find my own someday. Apparently my grandfather's grandmother was full blood Ojibwe. We have a picture of her at my mom's and wow.
The more I learn in that class about that culture and belief system the more I want to learn, and the more I find little bits that resonate with me. "Blood memory" is something our professor spoke about a few weeks ago and honestly I didnt' think I had any but now I'm not so sure. I don't think it matters what blood you have, the memory can still be there of things you just know. When I first discovered Paganism it was like being doused in cold water; here was an entire belief system that mirrored what I already felt and believed but had never put into words because I lacked the vocabulary to describe it. There it was at my fingertips over the internet and on the pages of books. Now, again, and I imagine and hope not for the last time, it's happening, that wonderful cold water in the face feeling.
Because of what I'm finding and reading and hearing about I'm coming more and more to believe that I made the wrong choice. Believing what I do about the spiritual process of creating a life, and adding into that now what I've learned and accept and am adopting I think I made the wrong choice. I'll never know for sure. Life is the greatest gift the Creator gives us. Life is meant to be nourished, cherished, enjoyed and honoured. Life is sacred. We, Ryan and I, were given a gift and I destroyed it. It was my choice, my body, my sanity, my life, but was it really? I'm not so sure anymore.
Being one of those people who is always going back and second guessing yourself is terrible but I think this is something that needs more thought. I can't keep avoiding movies with pregnant women (still haven't seen Juno), thinking or talking about pregnancy/labour/childbirth. I cant' undo what's been done and Ryan is ok, finally. He understands, has for a while, and has forgiven me. I needed that so I can begin to forgive myself. Amanda and I are working on a ritual/ceremony pre-Samhain so I can make some more steps forward in getting past this. I have to write a letter still as well, something my counsellor suggested and I think is a damn fine idea. If I can see the page past all the tears I'll be off to a good start.
Had an odd thought the other day; if I can't get into teacher's college maybe I'll become a midwife.
Had a mini-melt down last night with Ryan while watching "And Then She Found Me"; it's amazing how a simple scene with an ultrasound of a 6 week old fetus made me feel. Holy crap. I never saw mine, I refused to look both times I had ultrasounds done. I didn't want (more) visual evidence of what was growing inside of me, or of what I had chosen to destroy.
Part of the melt-down was brought on by some of the things that have been coming up in my Anish1006 class; we've been talking about the creation story of the Ojibwe and how it mirrors conception, labour and birth. Sometime shortly after conception the fetus is given their spirit name by the Creator. (I wonder if my potential baby had a name already? Supposedly it did...) It's never to late to find your own spirit name and I hope to find my own someday. Apparently my grandfather's grandmother was full blood Ojibwe. We have a picture of her at my mom's and wow.
The more I learn in that class about that culture and belief system the more I want to learn, and the more I find little bits that resonate with me. "Blood memory" is something our professor spoke about a few weeks ago and honestly I didnt' think I had any but now I'm not so sure. I don't think it matters what blood you have, the memory can still be there of things you just know. When I first discovered Paganism it was like being doused in cold water; here was an entire belief system that mirrored what I already felt and believed but had never put into words because I lacked the vocabulary to describe it. There it was at my fingertips over the internet and on the pages of books. Now, again, and I imagine and hope not for the last time, it's happening, that wonderful cold water in the face feeling.
Because of what I'm finding and reading and hearing about I'm coming more and more to believe that I made the wrong choice. Believing what I do about the spiritual process of creating a life, and adding into that now what I've learned and accept and am adopting I think I made the wrong choice. I'll never know for sure. Life is the greatest gift the Creator gives us. Life is meant to be nourished, cherished, enjoyed and honoured. Life is sacred. We, Ryan and I, were given a gift and I destroyed it. It was my choice, my body, my sanity, my life, but was it really? I'm not so sure anymore.
Being one of those people who is always going back and second guessing yourself is terrible but I think this is something that needs more thought. I can't keep avoiding movies with pregnant women (still haven't seen Juno), thinking or talking about pregnancy/labour/childbirth. I cant' undo what's been done and Ryan is ok, finally. He understands, has for a while, and has forgiven me. I needed that so I can begin to forgive myself. Amanda and I are working on a ritual/ceremony pre-Samhain so I can make some more steps forward in getting past this. I have to write a letter still as well, something my counsellor suggested and I think is a damn fine idea. If I can see the page past all the tears I'll be off to a good start.
Had an odd thought the other day; if I can't get into teacher's college maybe I'll become a midwife.
Paganism and Profound Experiences
March 19 2009:
I've been meaning to respond to this as well but thought I'd put a couple of days thought into it. ^^ (From a forum on Gaia I frequent)
Studying Paganism in general and some things specifically has led to a profound change in my life. Since I was 16 I've been reading and researching and practising with a dedicated mentor who's now an equal and a sister of my heart. I've been blessed that way and I'm forever grateful to have her guiding me and to be my friend. Through the study of Paganism's different Paths I've become a lot more open minded and also able to solidify my beliefs. Like Neko Wyndy Wytch (whom I still remember as Charity Solei! ^^) I've learned so much through practise vs. reading it's not even funny. My experiences have coloured my understanding, and built that understanding, far more than reading a book has ever done. The most profound changes have come recently thanks to, of all things, university courses in Anishnabe (that's Native American) beliefs and practises. There have been several key ideas that I've added to my own and some things that I've always just felt/known that have been given a name. I've been forced to face some huge challenges in the past year and sometimes it felt like the only thing that I could rely on was my faith. Trusting in your Self is hard to do when you dont' know who or what that is. Paganism and witchcraft, and now the Anishnabe ways, has helped me to know and to be strong when I needed to be.
When I was faced with the difficult choice between two men I loved it was, partly, my faith that held me to Ryan. I had made promises before friends and family and the Gods to be his and his only and to break a vow of that magnitude would have been a betrayal of self. Marriage is the ultimate commitment and I had made those vows to last forever. To not follow my heart and keep Dan in my life that way was also a betrayal of another belief but it was the lesser of two evils.
A year ago I was pregnant and waiting for my abortion. At the time I was not eating, depressed and scared shitless about the whole thing; being pregnant, the procedure, people finding out whom I didn't want to find out (some did, some didn't), but thankfully Amanda stepped in with the Pagan Book of Living and Dying, as did my former student. In that book were passages of comfort for grieving mothers-that-weren't and a reminder that it's a woman's sacred responsibility to decide which children are born and which are not. Our wombs are the gateway through which life passes and sometimes we have to say 'no' and keep that door shut. It took me nearly a year to completely put aside my grief and feelings of guilt over all of it and I was only able to do so when I approached my feelings in a spiritual context; first in November with Amanda through our first ceremony (thanks again to everyone who sent love and support!) and then finally in February at ceremonies in Wisconsin.
Has Paganism and witchcraft been a profound experience and changed my life? Hell yes.
I've been meaning to respond to this as well but thought I'd put a couple of days thought into it. ^^ (From a forum on Gaia I frequent)
Studying Paganism in general and some things specifically has led to a profound change in my life. Since I was 16 I've been reading and researching and practising with a dedicated mentor who's now an equal and a sister of my heart. I've been blessed that way and I'm forever grateful to have her guiding me and to be my friend. Through the study of Paganism's different Paths I've become a lot more open minded and also able to solidify my beliefs. Like Neko Wyndy Wytch (whom I still remember as Charity Solei! ^^) I've learned so much through practise vs. reading it's not even funny. My experiences have coloured my understanding, and built that understanding, far more than reading a book has ever done. The most profound changes have come recently thanks to, of all things, university courses in Anishnabe (that's Native American) beliefs and practises. There have been several key ideas that I've added to my own and some things that I've always just felt/known that have been given a name. I've been forced to face some huge challenges in the past year and sometimes it felt like the only thing that I could rely on was my faith. Trusting in your Self is hard to do when you dont' know who or what that is. Paganism and witchcraft, and now the Anishnabe ways, has helped me to know and to be strong when I needed to be.
When I was faced with the difficult choice between two men I loved it was, partly, my faith that held me to Ryan. I had made promises before friends and family and the Gods to be his and his only and to break a vow of that magnitude would have been a betrayal of self. Marriage is the ultimate commitment and I had made those vows to last forever. To not follow my heart and keep Dan in my life that way was also a betrayal of another belief but it was the lesser of two evils.
A year ago I was pregnant and waiting for my abortion. At the time I was not eating, depressed and scared shitless about the whole thing; being pregnant, the procedure, people finding out whom I didn't want to find out (some did, some didn't), but thankfully Amanda stepped in with the Pagan Book of Living and Dying, as did my former student. In that book were passages of comfort for grieving mothers-that-weren't and a reminder that it's a woman's sacred responsibility to decide which children are born and which are not. Our wombs are the gateway through which life passes and sometimes we have to say 'no' and keep that door shut. It took me nearly a year to completely put aside my grief and feelings of guilt over all of it and I was only able to do so when I approached my feelings in a spiritual context; first in November with Amanda through our first ceremony (thanks again to everyone who sent love and support!) and then finally in February at ceremonies in Wisconsin.
Has Paganism and witchcraft been a profound experience and changed my life? Hell yes.
Collecting posts
My old journal has spirituality related posts flung far and near so I'll be collecting those over the next little while and putting them here. I like having things all in once place. EDIT: Looking back at a few entries it's become apparent that I'll have to share a deeply personal and painful part of my life here in order for some of those posts to make sense. Ah well.
In a slightly related bit of news, yesterday we were celebrating mother's day down at my inlaw's camp and were visited by four eagles. It was a beautiful sight having the four massive birds swooping and circling overhead. I snagged a couple of pictures, one of which I'll post up here. One for sure was a male, the others might have been females. I wish I'd gotten a picture of him. After they'd gone the hubby, dad in law and I went over to a nearby field the birds had circled a few times. No feathers to be found but next time we go to camp I'm bringing a kite to fly there!
Nothing recharges my inner batteries like going to camp; being near the water, laying on the warm earth, listening to the wind in the branches and the new-born leaves is always a reawakening. Being there makes me feel more alive, more aware and more at peace than anywhere else.
In a slightly related bit of news, yesterday we were celebrating mother's day down at my inlaw's camp and were visited by four eagles. It was a beautiful sight having the four massive birds swooping and circling overhead. I snagged a couple of pictures, one of which I'll post up here. One for sure was a male, the others might have been females. I wish I'd gotten a picture of him. After they'd gone the hubby, dad in law and I went over to a nearby field the birds had circled a few times. No feathers to be found but next time we go to camp I'm bringing a kite to fly there!
Nothing recharges my inner batteries like going to camp; being near the water, laying on the warm earth, listening to the wind in the branches and the new-born leaves is always a reawakening. Being there makes me feel more alive, more aware and more at peace than anywhere else.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Self Identity
Wendy doesnt' like my vagina bag. Or my dreamcatcher shirt. She pointed out "You're not Native" and suggested I change my shirt before we went out today. I thought about it as I washed my face and replied with "It means something to me. I choose to honour that branch of my family tree, and you forget, I've been to ceremonies and recognized by the medewin teachers as Anishnabe. I have a name and a clan and that means a lot ot me." She nodded and let it drop, thankfully. I just feel sometimes I'm trying too hard; the shirt, my medicine wheel button, feather earrings, etc. To whom am I advertising "Hey! I'm a First Nations woman!"? It might just come down to acceptance: I look so much outside myself for acceptance. Acceptance into a group/ideal/family/community is really really important for me. I want to be accepted by other Anishnabe but if I come right out and say "As far as I know at this moment I'm not *actually* Ojibway Anishnabe-ikwe" I fear I wont be, and they'll be right NOT to accept me. I can be an ally but I can never be a full member of the group. But if I dont' come to terms with things inside me first, all the acceptance from the outisde doesn't mean jack if I dont' feel it inside.
This has been said 100 times but I still feel the need to say it: I'm not 'playing Indian'. I'm trying to acknowledge and honour a part of me that very strongly identifies as First Nations, as well as my family history and ancestors. My Anishnabe heritag is murky, and where it fits into my life equally so. It's not a seamless integration but one that does need to happen. Asserting that part of myself, whether by wearing the t-shirt and earrings or by introducing myself with my spirit name and clan, is a step on the right Path for me. Going to Ceremonies in February in Wisconsin was a life-changing experience. I went in wondering how badly I was going to mess up and offend people and left with an entirely new family (my clan) and much deeper understanding and reverence for that which I'd already learned, plus a head-full of new things. As a white student I didn't think I had any right to be there but I was accepted and acknowledged, I think in part, because I acknowledge and accept that part of myself. It's a genuine interest in the language and culture, and coming at it sideways puts me at a disadvantage, but I think maybe my professor could see it, and as a medewin leader it was obvious. I have no 'right' to that knowledge, to that culture and religion, but I'm hoping if I study hard enough and try to always speak well and live a good life in that way then anyone who *thinks* I'm just 'playing Indian' will start to believe otherwise.
This has been said 100 times but I still feel the need to say it: I'm not 'playing Indian'. I'm trying to acknowledge and honour a part of me that very strongly identifies as First Nations, as well as my family history and ancestors. My Anishnabe heritag is murky, and where it fits into my life equally so. It's not a seamless integration but one that does need to happen. Asserting that part of myself, whether by wearing the t-shirt and earrings or by introducing myself with my spirit name and clan, is a step on the right Path for me. Going to Ceremonies in February in Wisconsin was a life-changing experience. I went in wondering how badly I was going to mess up and offend people and left with an entirely new family (my clan) and much deeper understanding and reverence for that which I'd already learned, plus a head-full of new things. As a white student I didn't think I had any right to be there but I was accepted and acknowledged, I think in part, because I acknowledge and accept that part of myself. It's a genuine interest in the language and culture, and coming at it sideways puts me at a disadvantage, but I think maybe my professor could see it, and as a medewin leader it was obvious. I have no 'right' to that knowledge, to that culture and religion, but I'm hoping if I study hard enough and try to always speak well and live a good life in that way then anyone who *thinks* I'm just 'playing Indian' will start to believe otherwise.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Obligatory "first post" post
Well, I suppose I should introduce myself first and foremost: My given name is Jennifer and I live in a smallish town in Northern Ontario, Canada. I've been a practising Pagan for nearly a decade and have had the benefit of several different types of learning; a circle, one-on-one with a mentor, and solitary. Currently I'm a founding member of a local Pagan group that's been doing open rituals for the past four years as well as Pagan Pride events (www.paganpride.org), brunch and workshops. It's been good times but we're ready to start doing something *more*, something more reflective of where we live and who we are.
A bit more about that: A branch and few twigs of my family tree is also Anishnabe, making me Ojibway Anishnabe-ikwe and a member of the Waawizeshi clan. For those who don't speak Anishabemowin, that's First Nations Ojibway and a member of the Marten clan (Ogitchida! Woo!). My spirit name is also the title of this blog, MigiziNse-ikwe, aka Little Eagle Woman. Only very recently have I become aware of all this and I struggle daily to integrate it into my life. Living where I do, and being Pagan, it only makes sense to also integrate all of this into my spritual life as well.
So the journey begins!
A bit more about that: A branch and few twigs of my family tree is also Anishnabe, making me Ojibway Anishnabe-ikwe and a member of the Waawizeshi clan. For those who don't speak Anishabemowin, that's First Nations Ojibway and a member of the Marten clan (Ogitchida! Woo!). My spirit name is also the title of this blog, MigiziNse-ikwe, aka Little Eagle Woman. Only very recently have I become aware of all this and I struggle daily to integrate it into my life. Living where I do, and being Pagan, it only makes sense to also integrate all of this into my spritual life as well.
So the journey begins!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)