Last night mom and I were emailing each other about their trip to Mexico and I asked her to drop in and visit sometime soon and when she does to bring with her info on her family tree so I can figure out if we have any Anishnabe ancestors or not. She writes me back saying "Oh yeah, I have a great grandmother who was Cree and Sioux who lived near Alberta." *facepalm* Now I really want to look at her notes and see if she has a picture or something of this woman. She's probably the one who helped Eddie find my spirit name.
Feb 15th 2009
Let's try this again. The 6 hour drive to get down to Bad River took 9, thanks to getting a little lost, a dinner stop and a couple of bathroom breaks. That's ok though, I got to know the people I drove down with a lot better. :) I went down with Tausha and her 2 year old boy Kason, Dallas, Falcon and J.P in a red minivan. T'was good times, though I did earn a nickname: Book Woman. ^__^ We got in sooo late, however, that we decided to just pick up things people needed from the world's biggest Walmart and then go swimming and hottubbing at the hotel. J.P and Falcon can really cannonball.
The first half of the first day was pretty uneventful with a lot of watching and listening to other people's ceremonies. The lodge is all about healing, and is very much unlike a pow wow because it's Serious Business in the lodge. Mostly. The lodge itself is inside a building, a skeletal frame of poles held together with twine and the sacred fire in the center. The east door is open but the west door is shut against all entry as it leads to the spirit world. The sacred fire is tended at all times by the (male only) Fire Keepers and the doors by Door Keepers. Falcon and another classmate Perry would have fun the next night playing doorkeeper against a small herd of buffalo dancers. ^^
Just before the feast the first night we were asked if anyone wanted to go to the sweat and I raised my hand; that afternoon Eddie's family had done a powerful grief healing for the loss of his granddaughter, Audra, who had died at just about a year old earlier this year. I cried all the way through it, thinking about the daughter I had willingly given up. A sweat seemed like the perfect solution to that fear, pain and grief I'd been carrying around for a year and a day. (Feb 12th 2008 last year, the day my neice was born, was the day I found out I was pregnant and when the whole thing started. The sweat was Friday, Feb 13th 2009. Funny how things work out sometimes. Anyway, after supper and borrowing the things I would need from fellow students, it was into the sweat lodge. 14 people, including myself, two classmates and the leader of the sweat, all crammed into this low, turtle-shell like structure with a frozen dirt floor and a pit in the middle. Outside a fire that burned mostly blue was roaring, preparing the mishomis and nokomis for us, the stones who are our grandmothers and grandfathers, to help heal us.
Despite the strangers and strange surroundings, or maybe because of them, I was finally able to let it all go. In the utter blackness of the lodge, with the little boy water drum pounding into my bones and heart and the singing and release of the others, a sound that was more moan than wail rose up from somewhere deep inside me where it's been kept since Gabe's labour and I used it to give my fear and grief to the stones. I had asked them to help me heal through grieving and they did; that voice shook me with it's power, it's low, throaty sound and I was almost afraid of it. In that moment I overcame my fear. I wont be afraid anymore, not of myself or feelings, my power as a person, and definitely not as a woman In the western door, though I couldn't see my hand infront of my face, I kept seeing my almost-daughter; long blonde hair in a pony tail, coltish thin body, all elbows and knees just waiting to go through the door and into the next world and looking at me over her shoulder with her beautiful deep blue eyes to give her permission. I gave it with everything in my heart and soul. That pain and grief is gone now and it will only come back to me if I choose to pick it up. I wont.
The three of us went back to the hotel and slept like the dead, missed sunrise ceremonies and finally wandered in at nearly noon. That was a long afternoon. I recieved my name and clan with my fellow students standing proudly behind me, a name given to me by my teacher and given to him by my grandmother from 3 generations ago. That would be my grandma P's grandma, who was a midwife. My name is Little Eagle Woman, and my clan is the Marten Clan.
It was a very proud moment and I made sure to say my thanks to Eddie, my classmates and to everyone in the lodge. They were very welcoming and I got chance soon after to become a part of the clan in a real hands on way. But first! We learned and watched about the Water Line Women and their sacred duty to the waters of the earth and helped them get their belts and sashes. Four generations of women stood in lines to recieve these things; great grandmothers, their daughters, their granddaughters and their great-granddaughters. We danced afterwards to celebrate and I joined in, Anishnabe style, which came very naturally to me. Eddie noticed I was in the lodge dancing along with everyone and said on the mic "Little Eagle dances!" and everyone cheered. I had Gabe's eagle-feather with me so it could get some of that good energy from the lodge and I kept it with me all night for dances and other things. After the water women were honoured they brought in the warrior drums and we feasted them. My clan, being the warrior clan, was incharge of that feast so I wandered over to the kitchen to help bring in the food and then served a bunch of people their dinner. By doing that we feasted not only the drums, but those who'd gotten their names today, including me. After dinner we danced and sang the warrior songs, the buffalo songs and welcomed two new girls to the Buffalo path and then finally came the jingle dress dancing.
This was a powerful healing, as the dresses were originally created for the sole purpose of healing someone through the dance and sound of the dress. They were never meant for pow-wows or competitions, but that was the only place I'd seen them before. At the first sound from the dresses I could feel the change in the energy of the room but that was all for me. The sweat lodge has certainly done it's work well and though others in the healing circle of dresses (all 47 of them) were crying or coughing or even vomiting to help eject their sickness, I was just tired. During the third song I'm ashamed to say I fell asleep sitting against the wall, even though the bench was horribly uncomfortable and I never thought I'd sleep there.
Finally we went back to the hotel and slept. We went back to the lodge briefly in the am to say goodbye to Eddie and honestly, I got choked up at the thought of leaving. I didnt' want to go; I have no idea when I'll ever be going back. It may not be for years and years but when I do I will be much better prepared. The trip back was fairly uneventful and shorter than the trip there and I couldn't wait to see Gabe and Ryan again.
So there it is! Ceremonies!
Feb 11th 2009
I'm still going to ceremonies and am going to learn all that I can. Hopefully I'll still recieve mine and Gabe's names and clans. Apparently even if you're not Anishnabe you can still have a clan. In their beliefs, everyone has clans, even the Europeans, even if they've forgotten that information. With Ry's dad being Scottish and mine English finding our clans shouldn't be hard. Badwaywedun (Eddie) has been thinking about my name since I mentioned it to him a month ago so I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high that it will be revealed at ceremonies. I wish I had more tobacco. Oh! I'm going to bring Gabe's eagle feather and get it blessed along with the others and see if I can find someone who will teach me about it.
February 7th 2009
While talking with mom just a little while ago on the phone she clarified for me that while I have Anishnabe relatives, I dont' have any direct ancestors and therefore I'm basically as white as a snowflake. Honestly, I'm crushed. I'm not ashamed to be white, though our history as a race kinda sucks in some parts, but I feel like the past little while now, my actions and words, makes me a fake. I feel like I was an adopted kid who found her real family and then someone came along and said oh, no no, my mistake, the family you have IS your real family. I can't, in good conscience, introduce myself as Ojibwe Anishnabe ikwe because it's not true, though it feels that way in my heart and gut. Genetically I'm one thing but my spirit says something else.
Someone who has become a close friend said 'as if you get your soul through your blood.' And he's right; as if. Your soul is ethereal and has little or nothing to do with the genetic dna in your body, but then again, how can we be sure? The tie between faith and science is tenuous at best, slim as spider's webs but not nearly as strong. I feel so torn. On one hand, I can continue to learn about the culture and language, the beliefs and practises of the faith and incorporate that into my life, but on the other hand, how much does not having the 'right' blood limit me?
For example, I know in Japan that no matter how much you learn the traditions and language, if you're not Japanese, you'll never BE Japanese and they'll always know and treat you differently. There's nothing you can do about that. If you're an African American but feel Japanese in your heart, there's nothing you can do to make yourself a part of that culture and traditions, no matter how hard you try, and you'd probably be looked at funny for even trying to be like the other guy.
I'm very aware of the idea of cultural appropriation of voice, not just through my English studies but also through Paganism. If you're going to learn and study the ancient Celtic ways but throw Egyptian deities into the mix, you're not respecting the culture and traditions that those beliefs center around. So much of the Anishnabe way of doing things ritually and their stories and beliefs mesh with what I feel and believe, like a fine-tuning and clarification of the initial 'home' feeling I got at my very first Samhain ritual back when I was a baby Pagan. That night I was brought home and these past months it's felt like I've finally been shown what room in that home is mine to call my very own.
I don't want to have to give up my room.
Feb 5th 2009
So Ceremonies are next week and I'm getting really excited/nervous about it. I'm not sure what's expected of me or what to do or where to go so I'm latching onto one of the more experienced women and going to play shadow for the weekend. I might get my name and totem, as well as Gabe's, so that's exciting but it's hard to be starting to walk a different Path than the one I have been for the past 8 1/2 years. I've always had respect and interest in the Anishnabe ways but now I'm doing more than just read about it, I'm actually going to go and participate. Ceremonies are held once every season so I'll have plenty of oppertunities in the future to expand on what I learn this first time. In the future, I hope to bring Gabe with me.
It will help if when I'm there I know Ry's parent's heritage as best I can (Dad's side is Scottish), as well as my own, so maybe I'll even discover what Clan I belong too, and which one is Gabe's. We'd have different clans because that's passed down through the father, so Gabe and Ryan's would be the same.
I don't know; I think it will be a weekend of deep emotions, learning and a lot of listening. I know I'll come back changed. Hopefully it's for the best.
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