August 19th 2008
V thinks I'm suffering partially from PST and PPD at the same time; what a nice combination (Post Tramautic Stress and Post Partum Depression).
You're allowed to cry at funerals. You're allowed to cry during sad parts in movies. You're allowed to cry at weddings. That's it. I'm too aware and allow myself to be restricted by what I'm supposedly allowed and not allowed to do and feel. I have an inkling of where that comes from (thanks mom and dad!) but that's yet another post for another day, or an edit of the Family one from not too long ago.
The more I think about it, the more I think that what would be helpful to me would be a sort of funeral, a ritual of some kind (oh geeze, getting choked up again) to help me let go and say goodbye. "The Pagan Book of Living and Dying" has some great stuff in it that I think I need. I don't think I should, or can, wait until Samhain.
Despite my vehemence in insisting that what lived in me for three months was not a person, it was a soul, who, for whatever reason, picked me. You can't be a person without a soul, and in my beliefs, the soul is the very first part that takes up residence and then the body builds around that. The soul is the spark that gets the egg and sperm together and the mystery that gets the cells growing and dividing and specializing. We know it happens, but honestly, science hasn't figured out why. That's my why. And that's why I need to say goodbye and move on.
I can choose to let go or I can choose to stay broken and sad. I can choose to quit feeling guilty for evicting that soul or not. I have one comfort that came to me this morning while I was eating toast; you can't kill a soul- in my beliefs they're eternal, so I can quit thinking that I'm a murderer and a bad person, which is a relief.
Ok, that's enough for now, I think.
Showing posts with label abortion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label abortion. Show all posts
Monday, May 11, 2009
More post abortion ramblings
October 3rd 2008
Had a mini-melt down last night with Ryan while watching "And Then She Found Me"; it's amazing how a simple scene with an ultrasound of a 6 week old fetus made me feel. Holy crap. I never saw mine, I refused to look both times I had ultrasounds done. I didn't want (more) visual evidence of what was growing inside of me, or of what I had chosen to destroy.
Part of the melt-down was brought on by some of the things that have been coming up in my Anish1006 class; we've been talking about the creation story of the Ojibwe and how it mirrors conception, labour and birth. Sometime shortly after conception the fetus is given their spirit name by the Creator. (I wonder if my potential baby had a name already? Supposedly it did...) It's never to late to find your own spirit name and I hope to find my own someday. Apparently my grandfather's grandmother was full blood Ojibwe. We have a picture of her at my mom's and wow.
The more I learn in that class about that culture and belief system the more I want to learn, and the more I find little bits that resonate with me. "Blood memory" is something our professor spoke about a few weeks ago and honestly I didnt' think I had any but now I'm not so sure. I don't think it matters what blood you have, the memory can still be there of things you just know. When I first discovered Paganism it was like being doused in cold water; here was an entire belief system that mirrored what I already felt and believed but had never put into words because I lacked the vocabulary to describe it. There it was at my fingertips over the internet and on the pages of books. Now, again, and I imagine and hope not for the last time, it's happening, that wonderful cold water in the face feeling.
Because of what I'm finding and reading and hearing about I'm coming more and more to believe that I made the wrong choice. Believing what I do about the spiritual process of creating a life, and adding into that now what I've learned and accept and am adopting I think I made the wrong choice. I'll never know for sure. Life is the greatest gift the Creator gives us. Life is meant to be nourished, cherished, enjoyed and honoured. Life is sacred. We, Ryan and I, were given a gift and I destroyed it. It was my choice, my body, my sanity, my life, but was it really? I'm not so sure anymore.
Being one of those people who is always going back and second guessing yourself is terrible but I think this is something that needs more thought. I can't keep avoiding movies with pregnant women (still haven't seen Juno), thinking or talking about pregnancy/labour/childbirth. I cant' undo what's been done and Ryan is ok, finally. He understands, has for a while, and has forgiven me. I needed that so I can begin to forgive myself. Amanda and I are working on a ritual/ceremony pre-Samhain so I can make some more steps forward in getting past this. I have to write a letter still as well, something my counsellor suggested and I think is a damn fine idea. If I can see the page past all the tears I'll be off to a good start.
Had an odd thought the other day; if I can't get into teacher's college maybe I'll become a midwife.
Had a mini-melt down last night with Ryan while watching "And Then She Found Me"; it's amazing how a simple scene with an ultrasound of a 6 week old fetus made me feel. Holy crap. I never saw mine, I refused to look both times I had ultrasounds done. I didn't want (more) visual evidence of what was growing inside of me, or of what I had chosen to destroy.
Part of the melt-down was brought on by some of the things that have been coming up in my Anish1006 class; we've been talking about the creation story of the Ojibwe and how it mirrors conception, labour and birth. Sometime shortly after conception the fetus is given their spirit name by the Creator. (I wonder if my potential baby had a name already? Supposedly it did...) It's never to late to find your own spirit name and I hope to find my own someday. Apparently my grandfather's grandmother was full blood Ojibwe. We have a picture of her at my mom's and wow.
The more I learn in that class about that culture and belief system the more I want to learn, and the more I find little bits that resonate with me. "Blood memory" is something our professor spoke about a few weeks ago and honestly I didnt' think I had any but now I'm not so sure. I don't think it matters what blood you have, the memory can still be there of things you just know. When I first discovered Paganism it was like being doused in cold water; here was an entire belief system that mirrored what I already felt and believed but had never put into words because I lacked the vocabulary to describe it. There it was at my fingertips over the internet and on the pages of books. Now, again, and I imagine and hope not for the last time, it's happening, that wonderful cold water in the face feeling.
Because of what I'm finding and reading and hearing about I'm coming more and more to believe that I made the wrong choice. Believing what I do about the spiritual process of creating a life, and adding into that now what I've learned and accept and am adopting I think I made the wrong choice. I'll never know for sure. Life is the greatest gift the Creator gives us. Life is meant to be nourished, cherished, enjoyed and honoured. Life is sacred. We, Ryan and I, were given a gift and I destroyed it. It was my choice, my body, my sanity, my life, but was it really? I'm not so sure anymore.
Being one of those people who is always going back and second guessing yourself is terrible but I think this is something that needs more thought. I can't keep avoiding movies with pregnant women (still haven't seen Juno), thinking or talking about pregnancy/labour/childbirth. I cant' undo what's been done and Ryan is ok, finally. He understands, has for a while, and has forgiven me. I needed that so I can begin to forgive myself. Amanda and I are working on a ritual/ceremony pre-Samhain so I can make some more steps forward in getting past this. I have to write a letter still as well, something my counsellor suggested and I think is a damn fine idea. If I can see the page past all the tears I'll be off to a good start.
Had an odd thought the other day; if I can't get into teacher's college maybe I'll become a midwife.
Paganism and Profound Experiences
March 19 2009:
I've been meaning to respond to this as well but thought I'd put a couple of days thought into it. ^^ (From a forum on Gaia I frequent)
Studying Paganism in general and some things specifically has led to a profound change in my life. Since I was 16 I've been reading and researching and practising with a dedicated mentor who's now an equal and a sister of my heart. I've been blessed that way and I'm forever grateful to have her guiding me and to be my friend. Through the study of Paganism's different Paths I've become a lot more open minded and also able to solidify my beliefs. Like Neko Wyndy Wytch (whom I still remember as Charity Solei! ^^) I've learned so much through practise vs. reading it's not even funny. My experiences have coloured my understanding, and built that understanding, far more than reading a book has ever done. The most profound changes have come recently thanks to, of all things, university courses in Anishnabe (that's Native American) beliefs and practises. There have been several key ideas that I've added to my own and some things that I've always just felt/known that have been given a name. I've been forced to face some huge challenges in the past year and sometimes it felt like the only thing that I could rely on was my faith. Trusting in your Self is hard to do when you dont' know who or what that is. Paganism and witchcraft, and now the Anishnabe ways, has helped me to know and to be strong when I needed to be.
When I was faced with the difficult choice between two men I loved it was, partly, my faith that held me to Ryan. I had made promises before friends and family and the Gods to be his and his only and to break a vow of that magnitude would have been a betrayal of self. Marriage is the ultimate commitment and I had made those vows to last forever. To not follow my heart and keep Dan in my life that way was also a betrayal of another belief but it was the lesser of two evils.
A year ago I was pregnant and waiting for my abortion. At the time I was not eating, depressed and scared shitless about the whole thing; being pregnant, the procedure, people finding out whom I didn't want to find out (some did, some didn't), but thankfully Amanda stepped in with the Pagan Book of Living and Dying, as did my former student. In that book were passages of comfort for grieving mothers-that-weren't and a reminder that it's a woman's sacred responsibility to decide which children are born and which are not. Our wombs are the gateway through which life passes and sometimes we have to say 'no' and keep that door shut. It took me nearly a year to completely put aside my grief and feelings of guilt over all of it and I was only able to do so when I approached my feelings in a spiritual context; first in November with Amanda through our first ceremony (thanks again to everyone who sent love and support!) and then finally in February at ceremonies in Wisconsin.
Has Paganism and witchcraft been a profound experience and changed my life? Hell yes.
I've been meaning to respond to this as well but thought I'd put a couple of days thought into it. ^^ (From a forum on Gaia I frequent)
Studying Paganism in general and some things specifically has led to a profound change in my life. Since I was 16 I've been reading and researching and practising with a dedicated mentor who's now an equal and a sister of my heart. I've been blessed that way and I'm forever grateful to have her guiding me and to be my friend. Through the study of Paganism's different Paths I've become a lot more open minded and also able to solidify my beliefs. Like Neko Wyndy Wytch (whom I still remember as Charity Solei! ^^) I've learned so much through practise vs. reading it's not even funny. My experiences have coloured my understanding, and built that understanding, far more than reading a book has ever done. The most profound changes have come recently thanks to, of all things, university courses in Anishnabe (that's Native American) beliefs and practises. There have been several key ideas that I've added to my own and some things that I've always just felt/known that have been given a name. I've been forced to face some huge challenges in the past year and sometimes it felt like the only thing that I could rely on was my faith. Trusting in your Self is hard to do when you dont' know who or what that is. Paganism and witchcraft, and now the Anishnabe ways, has helped me to know and to be strong when I needed to be.
When I was faced with the difficult choice between two men I loved it was, partly, my faith that held me to Ryan. I had made promises before friends and family and the Gods to be his and his only and to break a vow of that magnitude would have been a betrayal of self. Marriage is the ultimate commitment and I had made those vows to last forever. To not follow my heart and keep Dan in my life that way was also a betrayal of another belief but it was the lesser of two evils.
A year ago I was pregnant and waiting for my abortion. At the time I was not eating, depressed and scared shitless about the whole thing; being pregnant, the procedure, people finding out whom I didn't want to find out (some did, some didn't), but thankfully Amanda stepped in with the Pagan Book of Living and Dying, as did my former student. In that book were passages of comfort for grieving mothers-that-weren't and a reminder that it's a woman's sacred responsibility to decide which children are born and which are not. Our wombs are the gateway through which life passes and sometimes we have to say 'no' and keep that door shut. It took me nearly a year to completely put aside my grief and feelings of guilt over all of it and I was only able to do so when I approached my feelings in a spiritual context; first in November with Amanda through our first ceremony (thanks again to everyone who sent love and support!) and then finally in February at ceremonies in Wisconsin.
Has Paganism and witchcraft been a profound experience and changed my life? Hell yes.
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