A child lives in continual contact with the world of spirit. Somewhere around nine years old, the child comes fully into his body, as if entering the real world after a nine-year dream. This transition is painful; the child feels an acute loss that he cannot articulate, much less explain. (Re-read the last chapter of The House at Pooh Corner if you haven't in a while: Christopher Robin is losing the imaginative world that he has built up so carefully, and he knows it. Once it was pointed out to me, I could see my own children losing their own Hundred-Acre Woods. In fact, I could remember losing mine.)
I read this while persuing an article on the Waldorf method of schooling (http://www4.ncsu.edu/unity/lockers/users/f/felder/public/kenny/essays/waldorf.html) and it brought tears to my eyes. Sometimes this happens; I read something that strikes a chord I didn't even realize that was out of harmony and boom--tears. With all my heart I wish my parents had tried harder to bring me into a spiritual frame of mind, given me *some kind* of guidance in those thoughts and feelings instead of letting me do it completely and utterly on my own and wander lost in the desert of spiritual emptyness until I was 16. All I knew of faith was what I picked up from tv or movies, my little kid bible with the REALLY scary picture of the devil in it, and some friends. My older sister was baptized but I've always gloated that I wasn't. Neither of us recieved any kind of spiritual instruction but as far as I know it's only ever bugged me.
Discovering Paganism by accident while in a computer class in highschool was the first big step. Later on I was a part of a circle, then a one-on-one with a mentor/teacher, then alone, now apart of a group again. It's more focused on community than actual spirituality but we're working on that, trying to create our own Canadian tradition. It's a work in progress. I'm a work in progress. The very latest step has been the adoption by and of the Anishnabe.
I think each of those steps needs it's own post. For now I'm out of time as the small man is potty training and being very demanding.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Four faces
I mentioned at the end of my last post the masks the Creator wears to show Itself to us; the mask I see most often is that of Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt/Wild Places. She wears a lot of other hats too, depending on the historical period and where the stories come from; add childbirth/fertility and virginity to that as well. A friend and I have talked of rejecting the dichotomy of Male/Female, Agressive/Passive when it comes to Paganism because it's such a narrow definition of relationships. It privledges heterosexual monogomous relationships above all others, just like the rest of the world, when honestly, we both feel that all relationships are equal as long as there's respect and caring on both sides.
In my effort to further distance myself from that dichotomy my brain came up with the following during my morning shower.
Artemis as Maiden: As a forever virgin, Artemis empowers those who would stand alone and strive for excellence on their own terms, outside of a sexual relationship. Artemis had friends (Orion is one of the more better known ones), a mostly good relationship with her brother Apollo, and of course her servants, the nymphs and dryads of the forest, but no lovers. She demanded of her father to never be forced to marry and he allowed it, having foolishly said "I will give you whatever you want" in front of the other gods.
Mother: In her creation story, Artemis is born of Leto on an island while her mother is in hiding from Hera. Artemis then assists Leto with the delivery of her own brother, Apollo. While she never has children of her own she is seen in early art as having multiple breasts, capable of suckling all life.
Warrior: Artemis is known in many of her stories for killing those who have angered her or for vengence and some people did sacrifice to her before a new military campaign. Artemis rarely showed fear, usually only when facing Hera, and always did what she thought was right, acting by her own code of ethics. She was a tireless defender of the wild and its' creatures, a warrior for those that couldnt' defend themselves.
As a forever-Maiden, unfortunately Artemis has no way of representing the Crone, except in her death-dealing ways, and her later associations with the moon and its' phases. She sometimes is associated with Hecate and her death/Crone aspects but those are borrowed or put upon her.
That's it for now. Showers just seem to be a good place for me to think.
In my effort to further distance myself from that dichotomy my brain came up with the following during my morning shower.
Artemis as Maiden: As a forever virgin, Artemis empowers those who would stand alone and strive for excellence on their own terms, outside of a sexual relationship. Artemis had friends (Orion is one of the more better known ones), a mostly good relationship with her brother Apollo, and of course her servants, the nymphs and dryads of the forest, but no lovers. She demanded of her father to never be forced to marry and he allowed it, having foolishly said "I will give you whatever you want" in front of the other gods.
Mother: In her creation story, Artemis is born of Leto on an island while her mother is in hiding from Hera. Artemis then assists Leto with the delivery of her own brother, Apollo. While she never has children of her own she is seen in early art as having multiple breasts, capable of suckling all life.
Warrior: Artemis is known in many of her stories for killing those who have angered her or for vengence and some people did sacrifice to her before a new military campaign. Artemis rarely showed fear, usually only when facing Hera, and always did what she thought was right, acting by her own code of ethics. She was a tireless defender of the wild and its' creatures, a warrior for those that couldnt' defend themselves.
As a forever-Maiden, unfortunately Artemis has no way of representing the Crone, except in her death-dealing ways, and her later associations with the moon and its' phases. She sometimes is associated with Hecate and her death/Crone aspects but those are borrowed or put upon her.
That's it for now. Showers just seem to be a good place for me to think.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Reiki thoughts
1) Do I ever need to find a way to do this comfortably. Right now I'm practising on the hubby, who either lays on the floor or the couch. The floor forces me to squish myself in half so I can use him to support my weight; this causes me to feel like I'm trying to force energy through a bent straw. It doesn't work too well, though I do feel it doing *something*. It also kills my lower back to stretch over him to reach (he's got broad shoulders) or up to his knees (he's tall).
2) Music; I have a cd of ocean waves goodness but to me, it's boring. It's not empowering, invigorating or anything. It's just waves on a beach. Peaceful is good but I put together an hour of Reiki music on my itunes tonight that worked better; Alanis Morisette's "Utopia" and Emerald Rose's "World's Wedding" were both VERY good tunes. They speak to my inner pacifist and my Pagan self, respectively.
If this were my lj I'd do a cut and put up some lyrics. Let's try embedding a video. Oops, it's got to be one of my own to upload.
Let's hope that works out. Emerald Rose's "World's Wedding" isnt' up on Youtube, unfortunately.
3) My brain, while performing/chanelling Reiki, is continually thinking of how to do things 'professionally', what a room I'd want to practise in would look like, what I'd like to have there for decorations, lighting, scents, blankets, even something for me to sit on! A blend of Pagan and Anishnabe for sure.
4) I definitely am not doing things like I was taught. When I begin I have my own 'opening' of breathing excersizes, my own visualization to stay focused on what I'm doing and when I'm 'told' to move my hands I move them; not always to the next position, but to try and open/move/smooth/change whatever it is I'm feeling and make it beter. When listening to my intuition I'm a better healer; the hubby's shoulders and feet no longer hurt and tonight I spent a LOT of time on his heart chakra. It needed to be opened, healed, but mostly just OPENED. I felt like I was trying to crack open his ribs with my bare hands, smoothing and opening over and over until I could feel a change. Waited a minute more, then moved on.
A few years ago I wouldn't have been confident enough to do Reiki, to trust myself to listen and do what needs doing. I was going through an atheistic phase as well, convinced that there just *couldn't* be a god, nothing we could touch, anyway. Nothing we could understand, nothing that would listen. That's changed and I think it's for the better. I believe in a Being, a Something that put things in motion. It shows Itself to people in whatever way they can best understand and accept It, whether as Allah, God, the Creator, Isis or Kwan Yin. It's all the same power behind the mask.
"I believe God hears all prayers...even if the answer is sometimes 'No'."~President of the USA a movie that currently escapes my memory.
2) Music; I have a cd of ocean waves goodness but to me, it's boring. It's not empowering, invigorating or anything. It's just waves on a beach. Peaceful is good but I put together an hour of Reiki music on my itunes tonight that worked better; Alanis Morisette's "Utopia" and Emerald Rose's "World's Wedding" were both VERY good tunes. They speak to my inner pacifist and my Pagan self, respectively.
If this were my lj I'd do a cut and put up some lyrics. Let's try embedding a video. Oops, it's got to be one of my own to upload.
Let's hope that works out. Emerald Rose's "World's Wedding" isnt' up on Youtube, unfortunately.
3) My brain, while performing/chanelling Reiki, is continually thinking of how to do things 'professionally', what a room I'd want to practise in would look like, what I'd like to have there for decorations, lighting, scents, blankets, even something for me to sit on! A blend of Pagan and Anishnabe for sure.
4) I definitely am not doing things like I was taught. When I begin I have my own 'opening' of breathing excersizes, my own visualization to stay focused on what I'm doing and when I'm 'told' to move my hands I move them; not always to the next position, but to try and open/move/smooth/change whatever it is I'm feeling and make it beter. When listening to my intuition I'm a better healer; the hubby's shoulders and feet no longer hurt and tonight I spent a LOT of time on his heart chakra. It needed to be opened, healed, but mostly just OPENED. I felt like I was trying to crack open his ribs with my bare hands, smoothing and opening over and over until I could feel a change. Waited a minute more, then moved on.
A few years ago I wouldn't have been confident enough to do Reiki, to trust myself to listen and do what needs doing. I was going through an atheistic phase as well, convinced that there just *couldn't* be a god, nothing we could touch, anyway. Nothing we could understand, nothing that would listen. That's changed and I think it's for the better. I believe in a Being, a Something that put things in motion. It shows Itself to people in whatever way they can best understand and accept It, whether as Allah, God, the Creator, Isis or Kwan Yin. It's all the same power behind the mask.
"I believe God hears all prayers...even if the answer is sometimes 'No'."~President of the USA a movie that currently escapes my memory.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Reiki and a new teacher
A couple of weeks ago while reading tarot at Alison's a woman came in and asked me to read her cards. I did and she was very pleased with how it went, and we chatted for a while during and after the reading about life, spirituality and all sorts of things. Turns out she's a Reiki master (among other things) and was going to do a lvl 1 workshop very shortly. I've wanted to get mine for a while now so I jumped at the oppertunity to do so with her and did just this past Sunday and yesterday. The way she taught was slightly sporadic and disorganized but we learned all the basic positions and information about Reiki's history by the end of the day. The actual attunement was yesterday. Both times I was able to feel when energy was in use around me, and in me, and it was a good feeling, one I rarely get during rituals where we try to raise any. This is a good time of the month for me, energy wise, so I'm not surprised Joy remarked that I'm very 'sensitive' and seems like I'm a natural.
Joy isn't like anyone I've ever met; she's deeply spiritual, almost too much so, but she's strong. She reminds me of the Dalai Lama; living her faith but working with it to make the world a better place. Some of her ideas about things are too peace & love, even for me, but I'm willing to put aside my cynicism and just listen. We had a long talk before and after my attunement yesterday and we share similar feelings and thoughts about the Divine and spirituality. I told her that I recognize she's the newest teacher in my life and that I welcome what she has to share. Oddly enough, despite how close Amanda and I are, our views on deity and the divine in the world are vastly different, and in her husband's case, hostile to my own. It will be nice to have someone to talk too who's ideas are more close to my own, that I wont feel like I have to defend what I say against science. There are things in this world that science hasn't yet developed enough to touch, let alone detect.
So I have my reiki lvl 1 now and Ryan's itching for me to use him as a guina pig. ^^ I shall as soon as I have the time and/or energy! I've been fairly tired lately but a couple of nights of not enough sleep combined with a very busy (but awesome) birthday weekend has wiped me out.
Joy isn't like anyone I've ever met; she's deeply spiritual, almost too much so, but she's strong. She reminds me of the Dalai Lama; living her faith but working with it to make the world a better place. Some of her ideas about things are too peace & love, even for me, but I'm willing to put aside my cynicism and just listen. We had a long talk before and after my attunement yesterday and we share similar feelings and thoughts about the Divine and spirituality. I told her that I recognize she's the newest teacher in my life and that I welcome what she has to share. Oddly enough, despite how close Amanda and I are, our views on deity and the divine in the world are vastly different, and in her husband's case, hostile to my own. It will be nice to have someone to talk too who's ideas are more close to my own, that I wont feel like I have to defend what I say against science. There are things in this world that science hasn't yet developed enough to touch, let alone detect.
So I have my reiki lvl 1 now and Ryan's itching for me to use him as a guina pig. ^^ I shall as soon as I have the time and/or energy! I've been fairly tired lately but a couple of nights of not enough sleep combined with a very busy (but awesome) birthday weekend has wiped me out.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Playing For Change: Peace through Music!
Click the link to check out what Playing for Change is up too! I enjoy PfC and what they stand for; non-violent action through music to promote peace and harmony around the world. What could be cooler than that?
Monday, May 11, 2009
All Life is Sacred~Attitude problems
Jan 24th 2009
Ok, so I'm in the shower, lather, rinse, repeat and suddenly my mind has wandered into my Anish classes and the phrase "All life is sacred." Simple concept, no? Seems easy enough to follow--if all life is sacred, it's worthy of respect and will be treated as holy. Most people have an idea somewhere in their head that life is valuable (that's a loaded word if I ever saw one), that it has meaning, that life itself is worth something. (Again, what's with all the money terminology?) BUT, imagine for a moment, if you will, a world where everyone is taught from the cradle that ALL life is sacred, and then they practise that throughout their life. They don't just mouth it as an idle platitude, they live it, everyday.
--No more child abuse or molestation, abandonment or neglect
--No more abortion. There would be no need. If all life was sacred but you didn't want the child (dissonance there, I know), then you could give it up safely for adoption because someone would take care of it and do a good job.
--No more rape. If every man and woman looked at each other as a sacred part of life, there would never be another rape.
--Apathy would disappear
--Animal abuse, neglect and abandoment would disappear too. ALL life is sacred, not just the walking, talking two-legged kind. Sure, we still need to eat so raising and killing animals for food would still occur but it would be in a much more humane way.
--Environmental damage would be repaired and prevented from continuing. If ALL life was sacred, noone would look at 300 acres of rainforest and see 300 million dollars. Instead, they would see a rainforest and all the life therein and it would be sacred, protected by the virtue of simply being alive.
Need I go on? (Mind you, I realize there will still be sick people out there, real psychos and the like, who operate with different brains than the rest of us. They would have to be humanely separated somehow. Also, accidents would still happen but it wouldn't be because of apathy or neglect.)
Ryan points out the flaw in my brilliant "I can fix the world with just a simple phrase" idea; there are nearly 7 billion people living on earth, some of whom have hated each other for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. A lot of them (the Western World) are heavily involved in busineses that keep the other 3/4 of the world in a state of poverty and neglect for it's own comfort. (Remember www.thestoryofstuff.com ?) Noone fights against thier own comfort, and getting 7 billion people to agree on ANYTHING is a serious task. But isn't it worth attempting? Utopia, a perfect harmonious world, may be impossible to achieve but isnt' it worth working towards, to get as close as we can? If even half the people on this planet who don't follow this concept started too there would be major change and fast. There are those who do but since they're not a part of the industrialized business end of things (think indigenous and tribal peoples around the globe and most likely a large majority of family farmers) they dont' count apparently. The almighty dollar holds sway instead of this simple concept which is so wrong I just don't have the words.
Imagine if "All life is sacred" was held as the first and most high idea in all cultures and societies, above every law, religion and science. What would that world look like? I imagine there would be a lot of rainbows and unicorn-farts. ;)
February 18th 2009
"That's just the way it is." Man do I hate that attitude. If people always settled for the way things are the civil rights movement in the States would never have happened. The Red School House would never have been built. The feminist movement would also have never happened, along with other important, positive changes. It's by saying THIS ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH and I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE that the world is changed for the better.
On the way home from ceremonies I got into a heated debate with Tausha and Dallas about my ideas; the system the world runs on is fundamentally broken and all that entails. I have no problem with wanting to work and work hard to get what you want in life but having to work your ass off JUST to get by, at the expense of your happiness, family time, and even your health (in some cases) is wrong. The fact that parents both have to work 40 hour a week jobs and put their kids in daycare at like, age 1 (sometimes younger), is wrong. Someone else shouldnt' be raising your child, YOU should be. I'm not against socializing kids. I understand that social interaction is important, no, fundamental to early child development. HOWEVER, being seperated from their parents for hours and hours a day for days at a time cannot be good for them.
Being so dependant on that system for everything we have and need is not a good idea because someday that system will shut down. Hello global food shortages this past summer? Hello lack of oil post-Katrina? Remember that, world? When the lights went out on the eastern seaboard one August a few years ago a lot of people were lost without power. They had no clue how to take care of themselves without it. During the huge ice storm that also hit the northern east coast a few years back people actually DIED because of the lack of power and therefore heat. We don't know how to take care of ourselves OR how to reach out and help others and that's a damn shame.
When I tried to explain this to Dallas and Taush I think I hit a nerve; they both became very defensive. They asked me "What are you going to do about it, Jen? Why waste your energy stressing about how broken the world is? Just try to get through it and provide for your family."
What am I going to do about it? That's a very good question. I try to think back to what others before me have done. Rosa Parks refused to move when the busdriver told her to move to the back of the bus where the other coloured people were. 40 years later we have a black man as President in the States. A single mom with two little girls she was tired of seeing get beaten up everyday at school went to Eddie and said "Do something because I wont have this happen to my girls anymore." And he did. The Red School House was created and has graduated many many American Anishnabe since. Women went to work during WW2, liked it, and refused to leave when their men came home. We're still working to make things equal between the sexes across the board but so much ground has been gained in the past hundred years and some it's astonishing.
Never underestimate the power of a small group of individuals determined to change the world. It's the only thing that ever has. I have to believe that. I have to believe that there are other people out there like me, with similar feelings and ideas, who want to change the world into something better than it is, where moms and dads can raise their kids without worrying where their next paycheque will come from because there wont BE any paycheques, where everyone knows how to grow food and conserves water, where the planet isn't being continuously poisoned and degraded by our every move. It's a lot to ask for but right now, it's babysteps. As long as someone gets the ball rolling it wont stop until all the changes have been made.
What am I going to do about it? I'm going to try and live my life in a way that I think best reflects what I believe and not get sucked wholly into that system, to remain aware of what it is, how it works and what it does. I will fight against it always, raise awareness of it where and when I can and choose my allies with care. Unless I magically become the Prime Minister someday, that's about all I can do; work at a grassroots level and hope it spreads like wildfire from there.
Ok, so I'm in the shower, lather, rinse, repeat and suddenly my mind has wandered into my Anish classes and the phrase "All life is sacred." Simple concept, no? Seems easy enough to follow--if all life is sacred, it's worthy of respect and will be treated as holy. Most people have an idea somewhere in their head that life is valuable (that's a loaded word if I ever saw one), that it has meaning, that life itself is worth something. (Again, what's with all the money terminology?) BUT, imagine for a moment, if you will, a world where everyone is taught from the cradle that ALL life is sacred, and then they practise that throughout their life. They don't just mouth it as an idle platitude, they live it, everyday.
--No more child abuse or molestation, abandonment or neglect
--No more abortion. There would be no need. If all life was sacred but you didn't want the child (dissonance there, I know), then you could give it up safely for adoption because someone would take care of it and do a good job.
--No more rape. If every man and woman looked at each other as a sacred part of life, there would never be another rape.
--Apathy would disappear
--Animal abuse, neglect and abandoment would disappear too. ALL life is sacred, not just the walking, talking two-legged kind. Sure, we still need to eat so raising and killing animals for food would still occur but it would be in a much more humane way.
--Environmental damage would be repaired and prevented from continuing. If ALL life was sacred, noone would look at 300 acres of rainforest and see 300 million dollars. Instead, they would see a rainforest and all the life therein and it would be sacred, protected by the virtue of simply being alive.
Need I go on? (Mind you, I realize there will still be sick people out there, real psychos and the like, who operate with different brains than the rest of us. They would have to be humanely separated somehow. Also, accidents would still happen but it wouldn't be because of apathy or neglect.)
Ryan points out the flaw in my brilliant "I can fix the world with just a simple phrase" idea; there are nearly 7 billion people living on earth, some of whom have hated each other for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. A lot of them (the Western World) are heavily involved in busineses that keep the other 3/4 of the world in a state of poverty and neglect for it's own comfort. (Remember www.thestoryofstuff.com ?) Noone fights against thier own comfort, and getting 7 billion people to agree on ANYTHING is a serious task. But isn't it worth attempting? Utopia, a perfect harmonious world, may be impossible to achieve but isnt' it worth working towards, to get as close as we can? If even half the people on this planet who don't follow this concept started too there would be major change and fast. There are those who do but since they're not a part of the industrialized business end of things (think indigenous and tribal peoples around the globe and most likely a large majority of family farmers) they dont' count apparently. The almighty dollar holds sway instead of this simple concept which is so wrong I just don't have the words.
Imagine if "All life is sacred" was held as the first and most high idea in all cultures and societies, above every law, religion and science. What would that world look like? I imagine there would be a lot of rainbows and unicorn-farts. ;)
February 18th 2009
"That's just the way it is." Man do I hate that attitude. If people always settled for the way things are the civil rights movement in the States would never have happened. The Red School House would never have been built. The feminist movement would also have never happened, along with other important, positive changes. It's by saying THIS ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH and I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE that the world is changed for the better.
On the way home from ceremonies I got into a heated debate with Tausha and Dallas about my ideas; the system the world runs on is fundamentally broken and all that entails. I have no problem with wanting to work and work hard to get what you want in life but having to work your ass off JUST to get by, at the expense of your happiness, family time, and even your health (in some cases) is wrong. The fact that parents both have to work 40 hour a week jobs and put their kids in daycare at like, age 1 (sometimes younger), is wrong. Someone else shouldnt' be raising your child, YOU should be. I'm not against socializing kids. I understand that social interaction is important, no, fundamental to early child development. HOWEVER, being seperated from their parents for hours and hours a day for days at a time cannot be good for them.
Being so dependant on that system for everything we have and need is not a good idea because someday that system will shut down. Hello global food shortages this past summer? Hello lack of oil post-Katrina? Remember that, world? When the lights went out on the eastern seaboard one August a few years ago a lot of people were lost without power. They had no clue how to take care of themselves without it. During the huge ice storm that also hit the northern east coast a few years back people actually DIED because of the lack of power and therefore heat. We don't know how to take care of ourselves OR how to reach out and help others and that's a damn shame.
When I tried to explain this to Dallas and Taush I think I hit a nerve; they both became very defensive. They asked me "What are you going to do about it, Jen? Why waste your energy stressing about how broken the world is? Just try to get through it and provide for your family."
What am I going to do about it? That's a very good question. I try to think back to what others before me have done. Rosa Parks refused to move when the busdriver told her to move to the back of the bus where the other coloured people were. 40 years later we have a black man as President in the States. A single mom with two little girls she was tired of seeing get beaten up everyday at school went to Eddie and said "Do something because I wont have this happen to my girls anymore." And he did. The Red School House was created and has graduated many many American Anishnabe since. Women went to work during WW2, liked it, and refused to leave when their men came home. We're still working to make things equal between the sexes across the board but so much ground has been gained in the past hundred years and some it's astonishing.
Never underestimate the power of a small group of individuals determined to change the world. It's the only thing that ever has. I have to believe that. I have to believe that there are other people out there like me, with similar feelings and ideas, who want to change the world into something better than it is, where moms and dads can raise their kids without worrying where their next paycheque will come from because there wont BE any paycheques, where everyone knows how to grow food and conserves water, where the planet isn't being continuously poisoned and degraded by our every move. It's a lot to ask for but right now, it's babysteps. As long as someone gets the ball rolling it wont stop until all the changes have been made.
What am I going to do about it? I'm going to try and live my life in a way that I think best reflects what I believe and not get sucked wholly into that system, to remain aware of what it is, how it works and what it does. I will fight against it always, raise awareness of it where and when I can and choose my allies with care. Unless I magically become the Prime Minister someday, that's about all I can do; work at a grassroots level and hope it spreads like wildfire from there.
Ceremonies (all relevant posts)
February 17th 2009
Last night mom and I were emailing each other about their trip to Mexico and I asked her to drop in and visit sometime soon and when she does to bring with her info on her family tree so I can figure out if we have any Anishnabe ancestors or not. She writes me back saying "Oh yeah, I have a great grandmother who was Cree and Sioux who lived near Alberta." *facepalm* Now I really want to look at her notes and see if she has a picture or something of this woman. She's probably the one who helped Eddie find my spirit name.
Feb 15th 2009
Let's try this again. The 6 hour drive to get down to Bad River took 9, thanks to getting a little lost, a dinner stop and a couple of bathroom breaks. That's ok though, I got to know the people I drove down with a lot better. :) I went down with Tausha and her 2 year old boy Kason, Dallas, Falcon and J.P in a red minivan. T'was good times, though I did earn a nickname: Book Woman. ^__^ We got in sooo late, however, that we decided to just pick up things people needed from the world's biggest Walmart and then go swimming and hottubbing at the hotel. J.P and Falcon can really cannonball.
The first half of the first day was pretty uneventful with a lot of watching and listening to other people's ceremonies. The lodge is all about healing, and is very much unlike a pow wow because it's Serious Business in the lodge. Mostly. The lodge itself is inside a building, a skeletal frame of poles held together with twine and the sacred fire in the center. The east door is open but the west door is shut against all entry as it leads to the spirit world. The sacred fire is tended at all times by the (male only) Fire Keepers and the doors by Door Keepers. Falcon and another classmate Perry would have fun the next night playing doorkeeper against a small herd of buffalo dancers. ^^
Just before the feast the first night we were asked if anyone wanted to go to the sweat and I raised my hand; that afternoon Eddie's family had done a powerful grief healing for the loss of his granddaughter, Audra, who had died at just about a year old earlier this year. I cried all the way through it, thinking about the daughter I had willingly given up. A sweat seemed like the perfect solution to that fear, pain and grief I'd been carrying around for a year and a day. (Feb 12th 2008 last year, the day my neice was born, was the day I found out I was pregnant and when the whole thing started. The sweat was Friday, Feb 13th 2009. Funny how things work out sometimes. Anyway, after supper and borrowing the things I would need from fellow students, it was into the sweat lodge. 14 people, including myself, two classmates and the leader of the sweat, all crammed into this low, turtle-shell like structure with a frozen dirt floor and a pit in the middle. Outside a fire that burned mostly blue was roaring, preparing the mishomis and nokomis for us, the stones who are our grandmothers and grandfathers, to help heal us.
Despite the strangers and strange surroundings, or maybe because of them, I was finally able to let it all go. In the utter blackness of the lodge, with the little boy water drum pounding into my bones and heart and the singing and release of the others, a sound that was more moan than wail rose up from somewhere deep inside me where it's been kept since Gabe's labour and I used it to give my fear and grief to the stones. I had asked them to help me heal through grieving and they did; that voice shook me with it's power, it's low, throaty sound and I was almost afraid of it. In that moment I overcame my fear. I wont be afraid anymore, not of myself or feelings, my power as a person, and definitely not as a woman In the western door, though I couldn't see my hand infront of my face, I kept seeing my almost-daughter; long blonde hair in a pony tail, coltish thin body, all elbows and knees just waiting to go through the door and into the next world and looking at me over her shoulder with her beautiful deep blue eyes to give her permission. I gave it with everything in my heart and soul. That pain and grief is gone now and it will only come back to me if I choose to pick it up. I wont.
The three of us went back to the hotel and slept like the dead, missed sunrise ceremonies and finally wandered in at nearly noon. That was a long afternoon. I recieved my name and clan with my fellow students standing proudly behind me, a name given to me by my teacher and given to him by my grandmother from 3 generations ago. That would be my grandma P's grandma, who was a midwife. My name is Little Eagle Woman, and my clan is the Marten Clan.
It was a very proud moment and I made sure to say my thanks to Eddie, my classmates and to everyone in the lodge. They were very welcoming and I got chance soon after to become a part of the clan in a real hands on way. But first! We learned and watched about the Water Line Women and their sacred duty to the waters of the earth and helped them get their belts and sashes. Four generations of women stood in lines to recieve these things; great grandmothers, their daughters, their granddaughters and their great-granddaughters. We danced afterwards to celebrate and I joined in, Anishnabe style, which came very naturally to me. Eddie noticed I was in the lodge dancing along with everyone and said on the mic "Little Eagle dances!" and everyone cheered. I had Gabe's eagle-feather with me so it could get some of that good energy from the lodge and I kept it with me all night for dances and other things. After the water women were honoured they brought in the warrior drums and we feasted them. My clan, being the warrior clan, was incharge of that feast so I wandered over to the kitchen to help bring in the food and then served a bunch of people their dinner. By doing that we feasted not only the drums, but those who'd gotten their names today, including me. After dinner we danced and sang the warrior songs, the buffalo songs and welcomed two new girls to the Buffalo path and then finally came the jingle dress dancing.
This was a powerful healing, as the dresses were originally created for the sole purpose of healing someone through the dance and sound of the dress. They were never meant for pow-wows or competitions, but that was the only place I'd seen them before. At the first sound from the dresses I could feel the change in the energy of the room but that was all for me. The sweat lodge has certainly done it's work well and though others in the healing circle of dresses (all 47 of them) were crying or coughing or even vomiting to help eject their sickness, I was just tired. During the third song I'm ashamed to say I fell asleep sitting against the wall, even though the bench was horribly uncomfortable and I never thought I'd sleep there.
Finally we went back to the hotel and slept. We went back to the lodge briefly in the am to say goodbye to Eddie and honestly, I got choked up at the thought of leaving. I didnt' want to go; I have no idea when I'll ever be going back. It may not be for years and years but when I do I will be much better prepared. The trip back was fairly uneventful and shorter than the trip there and I couldn't wait to see Gabe and Ryan again.
So there it is! Ceremonies!
Feb 11th 2009
I'm still going to ceremonies and am going to learn all that I can. Hopefully I'll still recieve mine and Gabe's names and clans. Apparently even if you're not Anishnabe you can still have a clan. In their beliefs, everyone has clans, even the Europeans, even if they've forgotten that information. With Ry's dad being Scottish and mine English finding our clans shouldn't be hard. Badwaywedun (Eddie) has been thinking about my name since I mentioned it to him a month ago so I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high that it will be revealed at ceremonies. I wish I had more tobacco. Oh! I'm going to bring Gabe's eagle feather and get it blessed along with the others and see if I can find someone who will teach me about it.
February 7th 2009
While talking with mom just a little while ago on the phone she clarified for me that while I have Anishnabe relatives, I dont' have any direct ancestors and therefore I'm basically as white as a snowflake. Honestly, I'm crushed. I'm not ashamed to be white, though our history as a race kinda sucks in some parts, but I feel like the past little while now, my actions and words, makes me a fake. I feel like I was an adopted kid who found her real family and then someone came along and said oh, no no, my mistake, the family you have IS your real family. I can't, in good conscience, introduce myself as Ojibwe Anishnabe ikwe because it's not true, though it feels that way in my heart and gut. Genetically I'm one thing but my spirit says something else.
Someone who has become a close friend said 'as if you get your soul through your blood.' And he's right; as if. Your soul is ethereal and has little or nothing to do with the genetic dna in your body, but then again, how can we be sure? The tie between faith and science is tenuous at best, slim as spider's webs but not nearly as strong. I feel so torn. On one hand, I can continue to learn about the culture and language, the beliefs and practises of the faith and incorporate that into my life, but on the other hand, how much does not having the 'right' blood limit me?
For example, I know in Japan that no matter how much you learn the traditions and language, if you're not Japanese, you'll never BE Japanese and they'll always know and treat you differently. There's nothing you can do about that. If you're an African American but feel Japanese in your heart, there's nothing you can do to make yourself a part of that culture and traditions, no matter how hard you try, and you'd probably be looked at funny for even trying to be like the other guy.
I'm very aware of the idea of cultural appropriation of voice, not just through my English studies but also through Paganism. If you're going to learn and study the ancient Celtic ways but throw Egyptian deities into the mix, you're not respecting the culture and traditions that those beliefs center around. So much of the Anishnabe way of doing things ritually and their stories and beliefs mesh with what I feel and believe, like a fine-tuning and clarification of the initial 'home' feeling I got at my very first Samhain ritual back when I was a baby Pagan. That night I was brought home and these past months it's felt like I've finally been shown what room in that home is mine to call my very own.
I don't want to have to give up my room.
Feb 5th 2009
So Ceremonies are next week and I'm getting really excited/nervous about it. I'm not sure what's expected of me or what to do or where to go so I'm latching onto one of the more experienced women and going to play shadow for the weekend. I might get my name and totem, as well as Gabe's, so that's exciting but it's hard to be starting to walk a different Path than the one I have been for the past 8 1/2 years. I've always had respect and interest in the Anishnabe ways but now I'm doing more than just read about it, I'm actually going to go and participate. Ceremonies are held once every season so I'll have plenty of oppertunities in the future to expand on what I learn this first time. In the future, I hope to bring Gabe with me.
It will help if when I'm there I know Ry's parent's heritage as best I can (Dad's side is Scottish), as well as my own, so maybe I'll even discover what Clan I belong too, and which one is Gabe's. We'd have different clans because that's passed down through the father, so Gabe and Ryan's would be the same.
I don't know; I think it will be a weekend of deep emotions, learning and a lot of listening. I know I'll come back changed. Hopefully it's for the best.
Last night mom and I were emailing each other about their trip to Mexico and I asked her to drop in and visit sometime soon and when she does to bring with her info on her family tree so I can figure out if we have any Anishnabe ancestors or not. She writes me back saying "Oh yeah, I have a great grandmother who was Cree and Sioux who lived near Alberta." *facepalm* Now I really want to look at her notes and see if she has a picture or something of this woman. She's probably the one who helped Eddie find my spirit name.
Feb 15th 2009
Let's try this again. The 6 hour drive to get down to Bad River took 9, thanks to getting a little lost, a dinner stop and a couple of bathroom breaks. That's ok though, I got to know the people I drove down with a lot better. :) I went down with Tausha and her 2 year old boy Kason, Dallas, Falcon and J.P in a red minivan. T'was good times, though I did earn a nickname: Book Woman. ^__^ We got in sooo late, however, that we decided to just pick up things people needed from the world's biggest Walmart and then go swimming and hottubbing at the hotel. J.P and Falcon can really cannonball.
The first half of the first day was pretty uneventful with a lot of watching and listening to other people's ceremonies. The lodge is all about healing, and is very much unlike a pow wow because it's Serious Business in the lodge. Mostly. The lodge itself is inside a building, a skeletal frame of poles held together with twine and the sacred fire in the center. The east door is open but the west door is shut against all entry as it leads to the spirit world. The sacred fire is tended at all times by the (male only) Fire Keepers and the doors by Door Keepers. Falcon and another classmate Perry would have fun the next night playing doorkeeper against a small herd of buffalo dancers. ^^
Just before the feast the first night we were asked if anyone wanted to go to the sweat and I raised my hand; that afternoon Eddie's family had done a powerful grief healing for the loss of his granddaughter, Audra, who had died at just about a year old earlier this year. I cried all the way through it, thinking about the daughter I had willingly given up. A sweat seemed like the perfect solution to that fear, pain and grief I'd been carrying around for a year and a day. (Feb 12th 2008 last year, the day my neice was born, was the day I found out I was pregnant and when the whole thing started. The sweat was Friday, Feb 13th 2009. Funny how things work out sometimes. Anyway, after supper and borrowing the things I would need from fellow students, it was into the sweat lodge. 14 people, including myself, two classmates and the leader of the sweat, all crammed into this low, turtle-shell like structure with a frozen dirt floor and a pit in the middle. Outside a fire that burned mostly blue was roaring, preparing the mishomis and nokomis for us, the stones who are our grandmothers and grandfathers, to help heal us.
Despite the strangers and strange surroundings, or maybe because of them, I was finally able to let it all go. In the utter blackness of the lodge, with the little boy water drum pounding into my bones and heart and the singing and release of the others, a sound that was more moan than wail rose up from somewhere deep inside me where it's been kept since Gabe's labour and I used it to give my fear and grief to the stones. I had asked them to help me heal through grieving and they did; that voice shook me with it's power, it's low, throaty sound and I was almost afraid of it. In that moment I overcame my fear. I wont be afraid anymore, not of myself or feelings, my power as a person, and definitely not as a woman In the western door, though I couldn't see my hand infront of my face, I kept seeing my almost-daughter; long blonde hair in a pony tail, coltish thin body, all elbows and knees just waiting to go through the door and into the next world and looking at me over her shoulder with her beautiful deep blue eyes to give her permission. I gave it with everything in my heart and soul. That pain and grief is gone now and it will only come back to me if I choose to pick it up. I wont.
The three of us went back to the hotel and slept like the dead, missed sunrise ceremonies and finally wandered in at nearly noon. That was a long afternoon. I recieved my name and clan with my fellow students standing proudly behind me, a name given to me by my teacher and given to him by my grandmother from 3 generations ago. That would be my grandma P's grandma, who was a midwife. My name is Little Eagle Woman, and my clan is the Marten Clan.
It was a very proud moment and I made sure to say my thanks to Eddie, my classmates and to everyone in the lodge. They were very welcoming and I got chance soon after to become a part of the clan in a real hands on way. But first! We learned and watched about the Water Line Women and their sacred duty to the waters of the earth and helped them get their belts and sashes. Four generations of women stood in lines to recieve these things; great grandmothers, their daughters, their granddaughters and their great-granddaughters. We danced afterwards to celebrate and I joined in, Anishnabe style, which came very naturally to me. Eddie noticed I was in the lodge dancing along with everyone and said on the mic "Little Eagle dances!" and everyone cheered. I had Gabe's eagle-feather with me so it could get some of that good energy from the lodge and I kept it with me all night for dances and other things. After the water women were honoured they brought in the warrior drums and we feasted them. My clan, being the warrior clan, was incharge of that feast so I wandered over to the kitchen to help bring in the food and then served a bunch of people their dinner. By doing that we feasted not only the drums, but those who'd gotten their names today, including me. After dinner we danced and sang the warrior songs, the buffalo songs and welcomed two new girls to the Buffalo path and then finally came the jingle dress dancing.
This was a powerful healing, as the dresses were originally created for the sole purpose of healing someone through the dance and sound of the dress. They were never meant for pow-wows or competitions, but that was the only place I'd seen them before. At the first sound from the dresses I could feel the change in the energy of the room but that was all for me. The sweat lodge has certainly done it's work well and though others in the healing circle of dresses (all 47 of them) were crying or coughing or even vomiting to help eject their sickness, I was just tired. During the third song I'm ashamed to say I fell asleep sitting against the wall, even though the bench was horribly uncomfortable and I never thought I'd sleep there.
Finally we went back to the hotel and slept. We went back to the lodge briefly in the am to say goodbye to Eddie and honestly, I got choked up at the thought of leaving. I didnt' want to go; I have no idea when I'll ever be going back. It may not be for years and years but when I do I will be much better prepared. The trip back was fairly uneventful and shorter than the trip there and I couldn't wait to see Gabe and Ryan again.
So there it is! Ceremonies!
Feb 11th 2009
I'm still going to ceremonies and am going to learn all that I can. Hopefully I'll still recieve mine and Gabe's names and clans. Apparently even if you're not Anishnabe you can still have a clan. In their beliefs, everyone has clans, even the Europeans, even if they've forgotten that information. With Ry's dad being Scottish and mine English finding our clans shouldn't be hard. Badwaywedun (Eddie) has been thinking about my name since I mentioned it to him a month ago so I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high that it will be revealed at ceremonies. I wish I had more tobacco. Oh! I'm going to bring Gabe's eagle feather and get it blessed along with the others and see if I can find someone who will teach me about it.
February 7th 2009
While talking with mom just a little while ago on the phone she clarified for me that while I have Anishnabe relatives, I dont' have any direct ancestors and therefore I'm basically as white as a snowflake. Honestly, I'm crushed. I'm not ashamed to be white, though our history as a race kinda sucks in some parts, but I feel like the past little while now, my actions and words, makes me a fake. I feel like I was an adopted kid who found her real family and then someone came along and said oh, no no, my mistake, the family you have IS your real family. I can't, in good conscience, introduce myself as Ojibwe Anishnabe ikwe because it's not true, though it feels that way in my heart and gut. Genetically I'm one thing but my spirit says something else.
Someone who has become a close friend said 'as if you get your soul through your blood.' And he's right; as if. Your soul is ethereal and has little or nothing to do with the genetic dna in your body, but then again, how can we be sure? The tie between faith and science is tenuous at best, slim as spider's webs but not nearly as strong. I feel so torn. On one hand, I can continue to learn about the culture and language, the beliefs and practises of the faith and incorporate that into my life, but on the other hand, how much does not having the 'right' blood limit me?
For example, I know in Japan that no matter how much you learn the traditions and language, if you're not Japanese, you'll never BE Japanese and they'll always know and treat you differently. There's nothing you can do about that. If you're an African American but feel Japanese in your heart, there's nothing you can do to make yourself a part of that culture and traditions, no matter how hard you try, and you'd probably be looked at funny for even trying to be like the other guy.
I'm very aware of the idea of cultural appropriation of voice, not just through my English studies but also through Paganism. If you're going to learn and study the ancient Celtic ways but throw Egyptian deities into the mix, you're not respecting the culture and traditions that those beliefs center around. So much of the Anishnabe way of doing things ritually and their stories and beliefs mesh with what I feel and believe, like a fine-tuning and clarification of the initial 'home' feeling I got at my very first Samhain ritual back when I was a baby Pagan. That night I was brought home and these past months it's felt like I've finally been shown what room in that home is mine to call my very own.
I don't want to have to give up my room.
Feb 5th 2009
So Ceremonies are next week and I'm getting really excited/nervous about it. I'm not sure what's expected of me or what to do or where to go so I'm latching onto one of the more experienced women and going to play shadow for the weekend. I might get my name and totem, as well as Gabe's, so that's exciting but it's hard to be starting to walk a different Path than the one I have been for the past 8 1/2 years. I've always had respect and interest in the Anishnabe ways but now I'm doing more than just read about it, I'm actually going to go and participate. Ceremonies are held once every season so I'll have plenty of oppertunities in the future to expand on what I learn this first time. In the future, I hope to bring Gabe with me.
It will help if when I'm there I know Ry's parent's heritage as best I can (Dad's side is Scottish), as well as my own, so maybe I'll even discover what Clan I belong too, and which one is Gabe's. We'd have different clans because that's passed down through the father, so Gabe and Ryan's would be the same.
I don't know; I think it will be a weekend of deep emotions, learning and a lot of listening. I know I'll come back changed. Hopefully it's for the best.
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